ūüé∂It’s My Party & I’ll ūüė≠ If I Want To…

sadfaceparty

Hello Gentle Reader,

I hope this finds you well and taking advantage of good weather if where you live is having some right now. I am not a big fan of summer, but the Bay Area has been having mostly beautiful, if a bit on the hotter side, weather. Luckily, there are beaches within an hour drive, so I can just take a mini road trip and drive along the coast if it does get too warm for my liking.

As I add another verse to the song of my life, I am saddened by the situation that keeps us all separated, yet again. In any normal circumstance, Kind Reader, I don’t really enjoy celebrating my birthday. ¬†There are exceptions, of course. ¬†Dinner with my closest friends… Cake with cast mates… but since we have been required to be apart since March, I WANT to see all my beautiful friends. I WANT to be in the midst of a joyful crowd.

I am getting Zoom-ed out. ¬†I don’t know about you, Dear Reader, but do you find you have to put more energy into Zoom compared to when you were physically in the same room with the people you are meeting? I HATE meetings, but I would love to be around people now.

At this point, I am practically begging to go back to my survival job just so I can get out of my apartment before I give Ikea and Amazon all of my money!  I have spent a good chunk of money on more furniture than the little apartment can allow.  I know I should have saved it for future use, but that is how bored I am.  I am spending just to have something to do.

I know keeping everyone safe is the HIGHEST priority. As it should be. I just feel like there is a peak when I reach my breaking point and actually walk out on the beach like so many people are doing now, BUT I will wear a mask. I’m not an asshole.

This current project I am working on is steeped in poetry, which is not really in my wheelhouse, but I am learning. I see that most of my works when compared to my cast mates is more whimsical than theirs.  I am assuming that is my optimistic and upbeat nature coming through.  I find it surprising because even when I feel like I just want to scream and kick at the world and burn down injustice, inside, I just want to share happiness.

Here, Gentle Reader is a snippet of a poem I wrote called “Knitting A Hat”

Cast on 96 stitches,
breathe and count
focus on the task at hand

Join into a round, careful they aren’t twisted,
96 little links holding hands
facing one another, patient

Work knit2/purl2, in the round until length desired,
round and around the columns grow
joined together to make something good

I’ve noticed the words “hands” and “grow” are featured several times throughout and I can only wonder if that is my deepest want. To be helpful. To be of use. To encourage. While those actionable wants are right there, RIGHT THERE, I am stuck, apart from others, and the wants I have. That is where the sadness comes from, I think. ¬†I have always been one to actively do something about what I want, and currently, I am limited by something other than the usual. ¬†I have found a way to get around “the usual” but this “other” is really kicking my ass.

So, yay, another birthday, but in truth, it will be just another day of the same.

I don’t say this to be a downer. ¬† I think I am just finally accepting that there won’t be crowd celebrations anymore. ¬†People will get together, but now it will be in smaller clusters. There will be no big street fairs, no art walks or Christmas in the Parks for the year. Just more days of the same. I used to be okay being by myself and I still am. I just can now confirm that I do have a limit on it.

And it has passed.

Until next time, Kind Reader… stay safe and alert and listen & learn.

Talk About Frozen…

frozen_fruits_1-t2I was so excited the other day because I had the apartment to myself. ¬†I don’t know if other people work the same way, but all I can say is I need to be alone when I want to work on something. ¬†Be it a dance or memorizing a monologue.

  • Reason number 1: ¬†I get easily distracted. ¬†It’s true. ¬†Sometimes Perry watches some terrible tv show and when I am trying to write, I begin to mock the dialogue. ¬†Now my whole train is derailed.
  • Reason number 2: ¬†I usually do what the next whim tells me to do. ¬†So I could be working on a story but a song may play that makes me want to dance. ¬†From there I may want to see if I can still do the splits. ¬†So I will try. ¬†(The answer in case you are wondering is no.) But gimme 6 months. ¬†I get embarrassed though, so I can’t stay focused or truly get into it.

So I had the whole place to myself for HOURS. Freakin’ HOURS!!! ¬†I thought of all the things I would do. ¬†The writing, the dishes (I know that’s not creative, but they ain’t gonna do themselves), weird dance moves I would commit to memory so if I choreograph again I have something bizarre for dancers to figure out. ¬†I thought of the collage that I have been wanting to finish, and the track pants that I need to sew together to complete. ¬†I tell you, I have no shortage of projects begun. ¬†It’s worse than my knitting UF.O.’s (UnFinished Objects)!

I pulled out my po√§ng (it’s a CHAIR from Ikea. You dirty birdies!) and grabbed one of the¬†MANY notebooks off of the shelf and started my story ideas. ¬†I came up with about 9 different ideas, but when I tried to open them up a little more or dig deeper, they were rehashes of something that someone else has already done. ¬†I don’t wanna do that. ¬†After about 15 minutes of doodling on my notebook, I realized that my desk was a mess! I couldn’t work like this. ¬†So I made the papers into nice little stacks, as opposed to actually putting them away or tossing them. ¬†But I found $5!! ¬†Score!

Then it was back to staring at the soft blue lines on the semi shiny white page.  And staring.

Nothing was coming to mind. ¬†I didn’t even have the desire to get up and dance when Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero” came on. ¬†(I have this whole 80’s dance I wanna do to it with a group of dancers) ¬†I always wanna dance or at least sing with this¬†song. ¬† The video makes no sense BUT I adore the song. ¬†There’s nothing a good shoulder shimmy can’t make better, right Elizabeth Lawrence?

I was truly frozen. ¬†It wasn’t until the oven timer went off that I remember even having an actual thought. ¬†I was truly frozen in my chair with a notebook in hand. ¬†I don’t know exactly how long I was like that. ¬†Once that timer went off, I was startled out of my stupor and went about life. ¬† I am still unsure of why I “shut down” like that. ¬†I wasn’t asleep, at least that I know of. ¬†I recall seeing the leaves outside moving and everything. ¬†I just don’t understand.

Any suggestions on how to “thaw out” the old melon? ¬†I know conventional thought is: write anyway even if it isn’t great. ¬†The practice of writing will open up some door for you to walk through. ¬†I would love to know what other ideas you, dear reader have. ¬†Any thoughts on why the mind shuts down? Hmmm… Pondering… Pondering…