It Is Finished…

Cast and Crew of SUPERSTAR being goofy!  Photo by Edmond Kwong
Cast and Crew of SUPERSTAR being goofy! Photo by Edmond Kwong

I have been pussyfooting around the acknowledgement that this show that I have lived with for the last 13.5 months has finally come to an end.  On my last two days off of work I was expecting to get hit with a blast of depression that comes with ending a show.  One of this magnitude, I was sure would take me out of the game for a while. But it never came.

When we started this show, I said I see this show as a fight for love.  Instead of the show being a simple Judas wronged Jesus, it was accidental.  There was no one to “blame.”  Everything was supposed to happen.  Like Jesus sings, “You’re far too keen on where and how but not so hot on why.”   I wanted a positive spin on the show.  I also wanted Jesus to be as human as everyone else.  My hope was that people would be moved to see a fellow human being treated so horribly during act 2.  To see that he was afraid and sad but still willing to go through this for his love of the people.  I had the white out at the end to ask the audience to look inside and find your love for your fellow man and for hope that this world can be a better place in doing so.

Then I was lucky enough to get this amazing, supportive cast! But my luck didn’t run out there.  One of the very first things I fought for was an amazing sound department which was an incredible 3 man team.  So John, Dan, and Brett: Thank you for an outstanding job with this difficult show!  The crew was small but mighty and headed by an amazing Stage Manager, Ms. Pye! I am grateful to the amazing producers Nancy and Liz, who worked so tirelessly to ensure that the vocal director, Judy, and music director, Jean, and I had everything we needed.

I have realized that there is a reason for the non-depression.  As I disassemble the Blooming Wall, I have the chance to read all the beautiful paper “flowers” with things that people love.  Simple things.  And I understand that we did exactly what we set out to do.  We did share the love.

And so did they.  With that in mind, what is there to be depressed about?

To ALL of you, I cannot say thank you enough.

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Thank you, Stress and Anxiety…

You have thoroughly ruined the majority of my weekend.  I’ve missed 3 festive gatherings because of you and I’ve decided that enough is enough.

One thing that I have always believed in as an actor is to honor your feelings regardless of what they are.  That being said, I feel that I’ve felt stress and anxiety as much as I can handle at the moment.  For an honest to goodness moment, I actually stopped and really thought if I was going through a period of depression.  I’ve been functioning, but not feeling like my usual jovial self. Maybe I am depressed, but every time I feel any sort of negative emotion, I have conditioned myself to take that energy and try and create something with it or to put it to beneficial use.  For me the thinking behind is it, is that after I’ve “memorized” what these emotions make me feel physiologically, this energy doesn’t do anything.  It just makes me fidget or eat (that’s the last thing I need to do on a budget as tight as mine.) but it doesn’t help me in any way.  So, I try to redirect myself to find a project that I can complete or begin.

SO…

One of my co-workers asked me if I have any New Year’s resolutions the other day.  I told her that I didn’t.  Because I don’t believe in them.  This seemed to surprise her.  But why do you need them?  I look at resolutions the same way I look at Thanksgiving.  When it comes to being thankful, it should be something that you do every single day.  I don’t need to be reminded.  Besides, what we are taught in schools is not why “thanksgiving” was celebrated in the first place.  It was for the slaughter of a nearby Native American tribe.  I am NOT thankful for that.

Resolutions are almost always about making yourself a better person in some way.  And what happens if you don’t keep to your resolution, for even a brief period of time? You feel like you failed.  After that, then it’s like “why bother?”   I am always looking for ways to better myself, so again, I don’t feel the need to make a resolution.  I do make goals not resolutions.  Goals can be created or revised when you need to re-evaluate.  Resolutions, we have been trained to believe, are steadfast.   Just call them goals.  Why put yourself through the ringer if you don’t stick to your resolution.  Check out this site for some interesting stats.  Or if your interested in seeing what the top resolutions are, check it out here.

I’ve still got some goals that I am working on.  Here are what I am working on:

1. Finding more performing opportunities.

2. Get an agent.

3. Pay off all my debts.

4. Fill my brain with more monologues.

and lastly,

5. Come to a definitive solution: sacrifice months that I can perform and get paid more OR keep my pay and audition for everything that I want to.  With everything I am supposed to do, in addition to giving up what I am most passionate about for a 1/3 of the year, I feel like I should be making more money.  If that’s not something that can happen, then I shouldn’t have to give up that 1/3 of the year.  If I need to leave the wonderful place I am at now, then I’ll have to take that into serious consideration.

So what kind of goals do you have? Have you ever made a resolution that you were able to stick to?  How’d you do it?  Leave a comment and let’s chat about it.  I am sure you can teach me something new!