🎼 I’m Diggin’ on the Isotopes; This Metaphysic Shit is Dope, and If All This Can Give Me Hope… 🎶

I would be so so satisfied.

Hello Gentle Reader!
Long time no check-in. I know. In a world that seems to have lost its damn mind, I have found it
hard to want to share or even to connect outside my normal circles.
About a month ago, I came across a post by Cindy Kaza who is not just a medium, yes a medium 👻, but also an incredible artist:

“Human beings have natural season of life. At times, we want to be more extroverted and
connected to community. And at times we’re called inwards. To spend time alone. To reconnect
with ourselves. The cocoon stage comes when we are searching for more, when we don’t want
small talk, when we feel the pull of the body to rest.
It’s a sacred experience. Because it’s not normalized, family and friends can take our cocoon
stage personally. They can view it as a rejection or self isolation.
The cocoon stage isn’t isolation, it’s our solitude. In solitude, we heal our body, expand our mind
and we have space to grieve, process, and reflect on our life.
We’re conditioned to keep going. To keep pushing and grinding, in a constant stream of
distraction. Allowing ourselves to go into cocoon state is a radical act of self love.”

It was fully my intention to use 2024 as a cocoon year.

2023 was remarkable, I learned some new stuff for my survival job and even though it is not my
passion, I did enjoy the chance to learn and work on new things.
However, Dear Reader, in my artistic life, I feel like it was a spectacular moment in time. Like that last thing on a very long list that people said I couldn’t do, I did it. I’d like to think I was successful at it, but defer to the audience. The thing I am talking about specifically is being a part of The Crucible.
I wish I could recall how many people have said things like “Oh that isn’t your type” or “you
don’t give that kind of energy” or straight up “I just can’t see you in that kind of role” when I
have mentioned that I need to do a serious role in a dramatic piece. 😵

The weight of that role, and how different it was from anything I have ever had the chance to
play, was such a fantastic challenge and the words and speech patterns, themselves, were
another level of difficulty. 😵‍💫 And to have the audience with us on that journey every night all the
way through was thrilling.

Then, to follow The Crucible up with Young Frankenstein just seemed like the perfect
compliment to explore nearly the entire emotional spectrum in 6 months.

I think I just wanted firstly, time to relax and really absorb that experience, no… this was an achievement. I have had a chance to feel the gratitude in so many ways, and in doing so, I came to the realization that I wanted to explore more. To my mind, the only way to do that is to get back into classes.

My plan was to return to A.C.T. classes in San Fran. I was aiming for Spring and Summer sessions. I wanted to use the cocoon time to learn and grow and focus on just doing that. I wanted to be able to knit and read at leisure. 💃🏽🕺🏽To take dance classes again on occasion. I find that because I don’t have the best concentration that I need to be incredibly mindful of what I am doing. People say why don’t you knit while you are watching tv. I do. Well, I try. I sit there holding the project but I end up watching the screen and then if there are commercials, I do a little knitting.

Oh Gentle Reader, I love to be swept away in stories so I try to get lost in whatever is playing. Unless the writing is predictable (which is happening a LOT on TV nowadays so that gets boring really fast) Because I want to be invested in the story, I end up not getting anything done. People listen to audiobooks and knit, but I can’t do that either, because I like to “see” the story in my head. Sadly, I am not a good enough knitter to do it without looking. 😂

⏰ Which brings us to today… I begin working on a new project in a few hours, but I was conflicted about it for a VERY long time. But that is a whole other story.

Have you ever considered the human life having “seasons?” Have you ever felt a pull to just shut yourself away for a bit just to think? For me that is the practice I do every time my birthday rolls around, but usually it is only a day or two, so having this feeling of wanting to just use a full year is so appealing. Has the idea of stepping back from something that you enjoy doing so that you can focus on expanding what you know to add even more to that proverbial toolbox?

Until next time, Kind Reader, please be safe and aware and take care of yourself and those you care about.

🎼Anxiety Is High, But I’m Holding On…🎶

Hello Gentle Reader!

Forgive my absence for the last two and a half weeks. A few things were being focused on so I didn’t have a chance to think about writing. 😳 At first, it was just the final weeks of rehearsals for the Dragon Theatre project I had mentioned. Then, I found out that my survival job wasn’t going to be available until next year so my team got the official furlough. This had me scrambling for insurance purposes since my hubs has been going through treatments. Lastly, his birthday was at the end of the month, so I had to make sure I had that ready, too. So, I haven’t been lazing around as you can see. 😓 Couple all of this with the new COVID news of the last few weeks and surely you can understand how anxiety would be running rampant in my home. Sorry to have butchered Blondie’s awesome song… 😱

In the last few posts, I had mentioned that I wasn’t sure what the poetry project was going to end up becoming because I couldn’t “see” the end result. Well, Dear Reader, I can say that for something that seemed to be a little chaotic, it turned out really, really well. The end result of our epic poem is a tribute to Allen Ginsberg’s HOWL and was quite resonant with the audience that has attended so far as well as for myself. We worked for several weeks building our collaborative muscles and created an eight and a half minute piece that is the highlight of the show.

The way the film ended up being edited together was masterful and lends a bigger impact to the overall message of the poem itself. Our process was something I didn’t realize how much I needed to keep myself sane and composed, but being in the “audience” to see Filip Hoffman’s visual edit with Nathanael Card’s editing of the poetry itself created a crest in the wave that allowed the emotion to break and let me have a decent cry in the presence of a shared experience that is theatre. In the Q and A that followed, the moderator messaged me to see if I wanted to add anything to the conversation, but I was barely holding it together enough to not be a snotty red eyed mess. On Zoom, no less. Good Times! 😂😂

While it isn’t the immersive theatre experience that I wanted when originally cast in AJ’s Annual Party, this version was just as rewarding. I still have my fingers crossed that at some point, AJ’s Annual Party will be done on a stage. The idea of vignettes done in the guise of a party that fills the entire room where the audience is part of the party and setting sounds like a blast. While this may not have been that same experience, being a part of this piece of devised theater will be in my memory forever. I have been moved by the words and emotions of my cast mates while we worked through the weeks where some weeks were tougher than others and tech issues but we have a beautiful piece that I am very proud of.

We have two more performances of AJ’s Virtual Party coming up on Friday and Saturday 8/7 & 8/2020 at 7pm on Zoom! Get the details and tickets at Dragon Productions Theatre Company.

My Gentle Reader, I have bent your ear enough, but I hope you are keeping safe and alert. I would also like to invite you to the “Party.” If I don’t see you there, I will at least be in touch next week.

Stay adorable, Dear Reader.

Poetry Corner…

Wizards and Warriors

I can create something out of nothing.
I can fight through tears and fears
I use my five senses and my will
I cry WAR every time anxiety appears.

Always opposing, war and creation
Burden my warrior’s heart
But to honor my wizard’s hat
This is why we create Art

To be strong enough to face the trials
Yet wise enough to make the right choices
To be clever enough to see the true world
And tough enough to rise and use our voices.
(work in progress…)

🎶It’s My Party & I’ll 😭 If I Want To…

sadfaceparty

Hello Gentle Reader,

I hope this finds you well and taking advantage of good weather if where you live is having some right now. I am not a big fan of summer, but the Bay Area has been having mostly beautiful, if a bit on the hotter side, weather. Luckily, there are beaches within an hour drive, so I can just take a mini road trip and drive along the coast if it does get too warm for my liking.

As I add another verse to the song of my life, I am saddened by the situation that keeps us all separated, yet again. In any normal circumstance, Kind Reader, I don’t really enjoy celebrating my birthday. There are exceptions, of course. Dinner with my closest friends… Cake with cast mates… but since we have been required to be apart since March, I WANT to see all my beautiful friends. I WANT to be in the midst of a joyful crowd.

I am getting Zoom-ed out. I don’t know about you, Dear Reader, but do you find you have to put more energy into Zoom compared to when you were physically in the same room with the people you are meeting? I HATE meetings, but I would love to be around people now.

At this point, I am practically begging to go back to my survival job just so I can get out of my apartment before I give Ikea and Amazon all of my money! I have spent a good chunk of money on more furniture than the little apartment can allow. I know I should have saved it for future use, but that is how bored I am. I am spending just to have something to do.

I know keeping everyone safe is the HIGHEST priority. As it should be. I just feel like there is a peak when I reach my breaking point and actually walk out on the beach like so many people are doing now, BUT I will wear a mask. I’m not an asshole.

This current project I am working on is steeped in poetry, which is not really in my wheelhouse, but I am learning. I see that most of my works when compared to my cast mates is more whimsical than theirs. I am assuming that is my optimistic and upbeat nature coming through. I find it surprising because even when I feel like I just want to scream and kick at the world and burn down injustice, inside, I just want to share happiness.

Here, Gentle Reader is a snippet of a poem I wrote called “Knitting A Hat”

Cast on 96 stitches,
breathe and count
focus on the task at hand

Join into a round, careful they aren’t twisted,
96 little links holding hands
facing one another, patient

Work knit2/purl2, in the round until length desired,
round and around the columns grow
joined together to make something good

I’ve noticed the words “hands” and “grow” are featured several times throughout and I can only wonder if that is my deepest want. To be helpful. To be of use. To encourage. While those actionable wants are right there, RIGHT THERE, I am stuck, apart from others, and the wants I have. That is where the sadness comes from, I think. I have always been one to actively do something about what I want, and currently, I am limited by something other than the usual. I have found a way to get around “the usual” but this “other” is really kicking my ass.

So, yay, another birthday, but in truth, it will be just another day of the same.

I don’t say this to be a downer. I think I am just finally accepting that there won’t be crowd celebrations anymore. People will get together, but now it will be in smaller clusters. There will be no big street fairs, no art walks or Christmas in the Parks for the year. Just more days of the same. I used to be okay being by myself and I still am. I just can now confirm that I do have a limit on it.

And it has passed.

Until next time, Kind Reader… stay safe and alert and listen & learn.

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom In The Craft Room…

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Hello Gentle Reader!

A few posts back, I spoke about needing to get over my resistance to this new trend of video chatting, live streaming and zoom classes. Basically, everything being done in front of a camera. The place that I am the most hesitant to be. 😔

If this were a Youtube video, I would insert a clip of a husky whining, which always makes me laugh because 1. it is friggin adorable when they “talk back” and 2. they do it so well!😂

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been taking part of an acting class at A.C.T. 👍and working on my next contracted project. ❤️ I still don’t quite understand it, but I am going along for the ride.

While I haven’t had any 🔪psycho killers being spotted behind me in the calls (so far)😳, I have enjoyed being in the remote company of other people. Some that I know from past shows, as is the case with the contract project, and some that are total strangers. With that being said, I still don’t think this is a way that I want to communicate with people. I find I exert a lot of energy trying to maintain focus while tangible things are trying to pull my attention away. For example, while we are in class, I find myself staring at the titles of the books that are all over in the room. It was supposed to be a craft room/library, but that has kind of gotten sidelined as craft projects and books have exploded EVERYWHERE in the apartment. Bookshelves full of books and stacks of books and book stuck in between book shelves that aren’t flush together. Not to mention that since it is the furthest room from the wi-fi router, sometimes the signal gets a little weak and the screen becomes this robotic, slo-mo sounding remix of life. Even when the signal is great, there is a lag time so I see the actions and a second or two later comes my classmate’s line. It makes it hard to genuinely stay in the moment because in that split second between the action and line becoming audible, I notice the lag. It pulls me out of the scene and there is nothing that I dislike more than being pulled out of a scene. I am a little frustrated by it, and I can’t do anything but accept it. (It’s gonna bother me so much.)

The contract gig is cool. It has a very heavy poetry base and we aren’t really acting out any specific scenes, so it is very different than class. Also, we don’t have to use the camera if we aren’t feeling up to it. That, Dear Reader, is my favorite thing about it. LOL! It takes the pressure off of the visual, so you can focus on only one aspect and then sometimes you come up with something that you weren’t expecting. As we get closer to performing this gig, I will be sure to let you know more about it, as it will begin to take a clearer shape to me so I can explain it better.

As I try and get acclimated performing at home instead of on a stage, I am trying to control my controllables. Things like staying hydrated and humming vocal warm ups so I sound clear when I am speaking. I can’t go all out and sing the vocal warm ups since the neighbors might get cranky. I stretch and try to stay limber. I have a new fear of throwing out my back in the middle of class and being stuck on the floor or in pain while the rest of the class watches. *The Horror!!😱* I try, TRY to get some good sleep to get rid of the luggage under my peepers cuz I gots bag for days!!!! All those years of not sleeping are finally going to have their moment for all to see. Curse you, sleeplessness!!! *shakes fist at sky*

Kind Reader, how does one turn the tables on next season’s fashion line of eye-baggage? How does one erase the mocking under-eye laugh lines of insomnia? I have tried it all: cold spoons, cucumbers, eye masks, eye gels, coffee grounds, Preparation H, concealer… None of these have been warrior worthy foes to them. I am open to suggestions, however crazy they may seem.

Ok, Gentle Reader, I have ranted enough for the day. Thank you for shining so brightly and letting me once again, bend your ear. Stay safe and alert.

Until next time…

Now we begin…

Late Thursday night, I got the news that a theatre company will be nice enough to sponsor my site and podcast and allow me access to all the behind the scenes stuff that the audience doesn’t get the chance to see. Woo to the Hoo!! The next thing I have to do is contact other theatres and get them to say yes, to my idea.

I am tinkering with site to see if there is something else that I can do to make it POP.
I am trying to make a simple 60 second promo for my podcast. I am stuck. I have the ideas, but the wording of it sounds strange to me.
I’ll figure out something, but I just want to get it done. I already know who my first interview is going to be, I just have to set a time to do it. In addition, I have the very first song I want to share with people. (Even if they can’t buy it. Yet.)

Also, I’d like to take a moment and ask for poetry submissions or a short essay about an experience that you have had watching a performance. The only requirement for the essay is that you write about a work that stayed with you. It could be a painting, a play, a song you heard, or a story, basically something that is creative.
This is an invite to you, yes, you. I think it’s important that people see that the Arts leave an impression on others and not just me.
Send your submissions to jery@TheActorvist.com. Yes, that is one “r”. Long story.