Am I being too picky?

I seem to have a reputation…

I don’t mean it in a bad way.  At least it isn’t a bad one at the moment.  However, if this trend keeps up it may be a curse…

I am a huge Arts cheerleader!  I always want people’s creative endeavors to succeed.  That includes companies as well.  It’s always hard when you walk away disappointed from a production that didn’t have what you were hoping it would.  Being the cheerleader that I am, I used to always be eager to help out when needed.  I would work it out so that I can be of some assistance to someone somewhere.

For the second time this year, I have already been offered a featured bit in a show that I didn’t audition for. Both offers were for song and dance roles.  The first, I couldn’t take because it would interfere too much with my 9-5.  And since they have always been to incredible to me, I figured sacrificing a few months to commit to the nursery  was the least that I could do.

So when something like this happens, the offers, that is, I look at a couple of things.  I like to see what it is that I am getting myself into.  I mean, a few years ago, I would have said, sure no problem and pitched in.  Now, I am trying to put together a quality body of work and I want to break outside of the casting mold that I seem to fit so snugly into.  Part of that requires that I think more carefully about what I commit to.

First, I look at the show.   Is it something that I know?  If not, I read about it and try and find the soundtrack, if it’s a musical, and/or script.  I see if I like it.  Is it something that I can see myself not getting bored with?  Will by the third week I begin to feel like “Oh gawd, I don’t wanna go to rehearsal.” ?   If so, then that puts an end to the search for my answer. However, if I am excited about the role/script, then I proceed to the next level.

Second, I look at the creative staff.  The Director, Choreographer, Music/Vocal Director(s), Stage Manager, and the Producer.  Have I worked with each one before?  If so, what was my experience like?  If not, am I familiar with their works?  What was my gut reaction to their works?  Instinct it the best decision maker when you are ever in a jam.  My problem is that I am such a cheerleader that I will overlook my gut reaction and pay the price later.  But I am not here to be negative.  So let’s move on…   Whilst I have been so terrible about keeping everything written down, like I promised that I would, I do keep my ears open about who’s doing what and what others thought.  It’s important to learn not only from my own mistakes, but also others, if I can.  If I have a gut feeling about any of the above, I step away from the project.  If I am happy with the people, I check out one more thing…

I lastly look at the company.  What’s their reputation like?  Do they have quality productions?  Do I have  a history with them?  If so, what’s that like?  If not, what’s the word on how they treat their actors?  There’s nothing worse that joining a company only to find that the work you put into the production, on your own time, is not appreciated, or worse, completely ignored.  Thus making the production less about a collaboration and more about “do what you’re told” vibe.  That’s the crappiest way to experience a theatre.

As I said before, I sadly declined the first offer because I wanted to focus on the nursery.  This second offer was different.  I looked at my list above, checked my gut feelings, and I have to decline once again.  I feel just awful about doing so, but if I am not going to be at my best, I would be a hinderance to their production.  That serves neither the show nor myself.

The hard part is actually telling the people that you are going to pass on their production.  Especially if you like the company.   This is where my fear comes in.  Because I’ve now turned down a second offer, will I begin  to get a different reputation?  I’ve never been one to act like a snob or ego-centric because I feel like that puts an actor at an arm’s distance from the audience when an actor should want to connect wholeheartedly with them.  Will people now think of me as “acting as though I am better than…”?

Here’s to hoping that I haven’t burned any bridges.

My father’s son…

My trip to the ER

I don’t know how to “rest.”

Actually, I’ll be honest.  I don’t like to do it.  I know that it’s important to healing and your overall well being.  Sometimes, though I feel like it’s a type of laziness.  I like to say, “I’ll sleep when I am dead” or sing♬I’ve got a lot of living to doooo…♫  I feel like life is all about experiencing things and creating things, even if you don’t share them.  It’s those things that make you a better person than when you woke up that day.  Spreading love and joy is just all part of the fun.  I don’t want to be the person that says, I wanna do everything, but I’m too tired to do anything.  SOOOO ♬I take a deep breath and I stick out my chest and I’m off the the races again.♫  I’m a strong willed person and I (this is going to sound terrible) feel like the way my parent disciplined me built up my tolerance for pain/uncomfortability ( I know it’s not a real word, but it’s out there now!)  So what’s some minor thing like “tired” compared to seeing something new?  I’ll take the new any day!

I’ve written about my father in the past, first in an attempt to purge and now to compare this nearly absent parental influence that clings to me.  My dad currently stands under 4 feet tall and weights about 130 pounds.  He used to be just slightly shorter than me (5’6″) and have a stockier build from being a mover.  I can remember a day, when I was around 14, that one of his friends joked that my dad was now the shortest person in the room because I was taller than him.  With a laugh, he gives me a small shove.   I have done that shove to so many people that I carry in my heart.  So if you get one, it’s all about love.

I feel like I am watching him waste away.  My mother is already making “preparations” just in case.  The thing about my dad is that this whole mess would have been avoided if he had just heeded what the doctor said.  “After your physical therapy, rest up and don’t strain yourself.”  Pretty simple stuff.  He had something happen to his back that has just created this snowball effect of rapidly declining health.  And like I said, if he would have just rested like he was supposed to, all would be not as bad.

Now, as I was shuffling about in my house while I was feeling like I just wanted to die from this infection or virus, I realized that I was making the same noises that my dad was making on my last visit with him.  I always knew it was going to happen one day!  😉   Finally I was forced to rest.  My body shut down so bad that even the saliva that I was generating didn’t want to stay in my body.  I went to the ER and I even heaved up the saline that they put in my via IV.  I think all my muscles have tensed up a billion times in the last 8 days.  My kidneys were/are sore.  Even now my shoulders and arms feel slightly numb, as though they are just completing the “pins and needles” stage of being asleep.  My skin feels like an alligator and my face is peeling like I’ve got a sunburn.  When I could sleep, it wasn’t for very long.  I think my max was 3 hours.  I would go from being in bed to lying on the chaise in the living room or right on the floor near the TV.  And always so cold.

Now, I have used the excuse, “I’m tired so I think I’ll just stay home.”  It’s not really the case.  I may have had an anxiety attack but  I am never really tired.  Out of breath, maybe, but never tired and if you hear me say that, I give you permission to slap me in the mush.     But this offer is not backdated.  Hahaha!

So bummed because I had a review for San Jose Rep’s God of Carnage scheduled for the podcast, and tomorrow is the last day to see it (Do see it!!  It’s hilarious!!) .  But as you can see I’ve been put behind schedule.  Booo!!  Stupid virus.  I hate you!

Thank you to all the wonderful people for the well wishes on Facebook and Twitter.  If you think I am going to rest now, well…let’s just say I won’t not consider it.

I wish you all amazing health!!!

 

 

 

Why wait til April to play the Fool…

   
The Fool

I have this insecurity that prevents me from soberly acting the fool in front of my partner.  One would think after 16 years together, I would be comfortable enough to play around in costumes and makeup in front of him while he’s home.

Instead, I turn on the music and dance and sing while I clean only when I am alone.  Or – like today, I wanted to take a picture of some pants that I have been fiddling with. Then the project turned into a PRO-JECT!  I got this idea that I would take pictures as this semi-crazed ringmaster and I got the backdrop all set up.  I played around with lots of makeup.  Next I had to figure out what the top/jacket would be.  The pants are a weird grey color, so getting the right combo was tough.  So I got an old jacket and made some cuts, so it’s shorter and it now has tails.  But the lapels need some pizzazz.

While I was doing all this, I didn’t realize how much time had passed.  I only had 20 minutes left of “by myself” time.  So I hurriedly took a multitude of pictures.  Either the timer was too brief or I wasn’t far enough back and all the shots are way too blurry to post.

Which brings me back to my original thought.  Why can I do all this stuff by myself or on stage, but not when my partner, someone who loves me unconditionally, is home or close to being home.  He’s seen me at my worst and my best.  So why am I afraid to let him see me play?  How much more silly will I believe he’ll think of me?

I begin to wonder how selfish I am.  He is a theatre loving guy so it only stands to reason that he may even be willing to help me create this madness that I do.

Maybe next time.

 

Stay tuned, Podcast 23 is coming!!

Another Bloody Audition…

Cover of the original cast recording

As today winds to its close, my hands are starting to shake as the nerves begin to set in.

Tomorrow, I have an audition for Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson at San Jose Stage.  I’ve been prepping pretty well since I got my appointment time last week, but the anxiety just doesn’t get easier.  I’ve got a few new tricks to deal with it, so it isn’t as torturous as it used to be.

As I think about everything I need to do tomorrow, I am finding that is what’s building up the stress so much more than just the audition would.

I am sure I’ve mentioned how the spring time at the nursery is totally nutty.  It’s going to be a feat to get out of there for a lunch break that will be timed so that my audition is right at the middle then rush back to work.  I don’t think there is going to be a chance to decompress once that 40 minute break starts.  I am crossing my fingers that I will just be so focused on getting everything done on time that I won’t notice the shakes that I am sure will strike as soon as I step into the room.

I mean the worst thing that could happen is that I don’t get cast in the show.  While I am itching to be in a show again, I know that it just depends on what the director and casting director are looking for.

Regardless of what happens, I look forward to the experience.  It will be fun to make new connections.

If you haven’t heard of BBAJ, here are some links to familiarize yourselves.  I love the soundtrack.  Check it out the preview on Amazon.com.  Interestingly, iTunes doesn’t offer it.

Oh, and by the by, getting ready to do my first book review!!  Yay!!  A publisher actually allowed me to review one of their books.   I am moving up in the world.  hahahaha

***WARNING: Explicit Language in the clips that follow*****

Dear Mr. Clooney…

I’ll admit that I haven’t always been a fan of your work on the screen, both big and small.  However, I have always respected you for your humanitarian efforts and activism that brings violations and atrocities to light.  Today, I watched CNN and saw the footage of you protesting for the Sudanese torture to come to an end and of you being arrested and loaded into a paddy wagon.  Do they still call it a paddy wagon?  While I was running and reading the closed captioning, I thought to myself, this is a man who can change the world.

As someone who wants the world to be a better place for everyone, I cannot tell you how seeing the arrest filled me with hope as you kept that smile on your face.  There was a calm that seemed to say ‘it’s okay that this is happening because the world will see and maybe now do something.’  Then, in a post bail interview clip you displayed a charm and honesty that made me understand why the world loves you.  Maybe now, if I watch Michael Clayton again, I may see a glimpse of that guy hiding inside your character.

What do you suggest we do as civilians? Should we write to our Congressperson?  Maybe donate to your cause: Satellite Sentinel Project?

Bravo to you sir for everything that you have done on behalf of the people of the world.  May this conflict in Sudan end soon.

Kindest regards,

jery

—————

Read all the details about his arrest and watched the clips mentioned above HERE.  The link takes you to BBC News, a source I might add I trust a little more than American News Media.  Thanks to the show IFC Media Project, hosted by Gideon Yago it made me really think about what the American news tells me.  I highly recommend checking it out.  Sadly, I can only find Season 1 and 2 on itunes. Here’s the original preview of what the show was about: IFC Media Project Promo (Originally aired in 2008.)