🎼 I’m Diggin’ on the Isotopes; This Metaphysic Shit is Dope, and If All This Can Give Me Hope… 🎶

I would be so so satisfied.

Hello Gentle Reader!
Long time no check-in. I know. In a world that seems to have lost its damn mind, I have found it
hard to want to share or even to connect outside my normal circles.
About a month ago, I came across a post by Cindy Kaza who is not just a medium, yes a medium 👻, but also an incredible artist:

“Human beings have natural season of life. At times, we want to be more extroverted and
connected to community. And at times we’re called inwards. To spend time alone. To reconnect
with ourselves. The cocoon stage comes when we are searching for more, when we don’t want
small talk, when we feel the pull of the body to rest.
It’s a sacred experience. Because it’s not normalized, family and friends can take our cocoon
stage personally. They can view it as a rejection or self isolation.
The cocoon stage isn’t isolation, it’s our solitude. In solitude, we heal our body, expand our mind
and we have space to grieve, process, and reflect on our life.
We’re conditioned to keep going. To keep pushing and grinding, in a constant stream of
distraction. Allowing ourselves to go into cocoon state is a radical act of self love.”

It was fully my intention to use 2024 as a cocoon year.

2023 was remarkable, I learned some new stuff for my survival job and even though it is not my
passion, I did enjoy the chance to learn and work on new things.
However, Dear Reader, in my artistic life, I feel like it was a spectacular moment in time. Like that last thing on a very long list that people said I couldn’t do, I did it. I’d like to think I was successful at it, but defer to the audience. The thing I am talking about specifically is being a part of The Crucible.
I wish I could recall how many people have said things like “Oh that isn’t your type” or “you
don’t give that kind of energy” or straight up “I just can’t see you in that kind of role” when I
have mentioned that I need to do a serious role in a dramatic piece. 😵

The weight of that role, and how different it was from anything I have ever had the chance to
play, was such a fantastic challenge and the words and speech patterns, themselves, were
another level of difficulty. 😵‍💫 And to have the audience with us on that journey every night all the
way through was thrilling.

Then, to follow The Crucible up with Young Frankenstein just seemed like the perfect
compliment to explore nearly the entire emotional spectrum in 6 months.

I think I just wanted firstly, time to relax and really absorb that experience, no… this was an achievement. I have had a chance to feel the gratitude in so many ways, and in doing so, I came to the realization that I wanted to explore more. To my mind, the only way to do that is to get back into classes.

My plan was to return to A.C.T. classes in San Fran. I was aiming for Spring and Summer sessions. I wanted to use the cocoon time to learn and grow and focus on just doing that. I wanted to be able to knit and read at leisure. 💃🏽🕺🏽To take dance classes again on occasion. I find that because I don’t have the best concentration that I need to be incredibly mindful of what I am doing. People say why don’t you knit while you are watching tv. I do. Well, I try. I sit there holding the project but I end up watching the screen and then if there are commercials, I do a little knitting.

Oh Gentle Reader, I love to be swept away in stories so I try to get lost in whatever is playing. Unless the writing is predictable (which is happening a LOT on TV nowadays so that gets boring really fast) Because I want to be invested in the story, I end up not getting anything done. People listen to audiobooks and knit, but I can’t do that either, because I like to “see” the story in my head. Sadly, I am not a good enough knitter to do it without looking. 😂

⏰ Which brings us to today… I begin working on a new project in a few hours, but I was conflicted about it for a VERY long time. But that is a whole other story.

Have you ever considered the human life having “seasons?” Have you ever felt a pull to just shut yourself away for a bit just to think? For me that is the practice I do every time my birthday rolls around, but usually it is only a day or two, so having this feeling of wanting to just use a full year is so appealing. Has the idea of stepping back from something that you enjoy doing so that you can focus on expanding what you know to add even more to that proverbial toolbox?

Until next time, Kind Reader, please be safe and aware and take care of yourself and those you care about.

🎼 Time, Time, Time, See What’s Become Of Me… 🎶

Hello Gentle Reader!

Happy holiday season if you celebrate it in any fashion and for those that don’t I hope you are having a fantastic time. I am usually only a Halloween and New Year’s kinda guy, but with my last project, you can say that I am in the Xmas spirit, I suppose.

I have a question for you my Dear Reader. What is the difference between the following line:

“… my very own legendary official Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle, with a compass and this thing which tells time built right into the stock.”

“… MY very own legendary official Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle. With a compass! And this thing… which tells TIME built right into the stock.”

The way that I see it, the first version has the same sort of half committed involvement that the narrator from the film uses. He is invested, but it just feels like he has told this story before to other people so it isn’t novel or new to him anymore. In the second version, I play it so that it feels like actually owning this present is a dream that I don’t want to wake from and the details of the gun that I have been going on and on about are highlighted since they are referred to 99% of the time the air rifle is mentioned. But I think the Time emphasis was me bringing my life experience to the piece.

Christmas Eve was the first day since closing night of A Christmas Story that I could say that line without feeling the burning sensation in my nose and eyes of tears that wanted to be set free.

I can’t exactly say when it happened, but I suspect that it was some time during week 2 of performances that the line above began to morph from the previous to the latter.

I don’t know if I had mentioned it here yet, but I had so much work to do with the script that I read it multiple times a day on the weekends and at least once every day. I listened the the audio version I made while I was in traffic on the way to rehearsal. I listened to it at work when I wasn’t in meetings. All to share this memory for this character.

But what is a memory? It is a snippet of time that you are recalling at a different point in time. Sometimes it is purposely done and other times it could be involuntarily triggered by sound, scent or emotion and situation.

On closing night, I said that line, and before I could continue with the rest of the scene, I had this magnificent surge of love, heartache, stress, fondness and a few other emotions, all at once. I became aware of the symbol of authoritative and parental figures and friends (that my cast mates Shawna and Keith represented) had turned into a focused source of those people in my life that I don’t see, can’t see, won’t see anymore or haven’t seen in a very long time.

It was an overwhelming sensation. Then it circled back to the sadness that this little show of ours had grown to become something so special to me and it was taking the last breaths of life. I took a few moments to try and force my voice back “into character” but as a proponent of “feel your feelings” I delivered the lines “The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received…. Or ever WOULD receive” with that bubble in my throat and powered through “pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.” I could only hope that through my quaking voice the audience could understand what I was saying, Kind Reader.

I felt a wee bit foolish but there was nothing I could have done. In far away voices, I could hear the backstage manager and some of the others, waiting to enter the stage for bows, commenting or gasping that this moment was happening.

During the first attempt at creating an audio aid, which I recorded on a whim, I can hear my final speech get a little emotionally shaky. I wish that I had paid more attention to that moment so that I could steel myself of this and present the show to the audience just as we had done the rest of the run.

Even before this show began I have been fighting with the fleeting nature of time and the ideas that some people had about it. And I took on some of their baggage from them and still shoulder. So couple that baggage with the reminiscing of friends and family and a storm was inevitable.

It is a lot of energy to process and keep in check in the space of the 15 seconds that it takes to say that line and I did well every other night. But time will find a way of catching up with you.

With that, let me just shut off this light on 2022 and the wonderful production of A Christmas Story that I was so fortunate to be a part of. Thanks for letting me bend your ear one more time this year, Dear Reader. Take care of yourself and those you care about! Stay safe and alert and I will see you in 2023.

🎧🎶”I Get So Emotional…🎶

… Every time I think of you!!”
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Hello Gentle Reader!

Do you ever find yourself excited to work on a project but when the time comes to begin you find that you can’t bring yourself to start? 😱 That is the headspace I am in as the middle of the first month of the new year passes by. 📆

This particular project was one that seems pretty ambitious to me and I have only the slightest idea on where to begin this new challenge.😜 (I am keeping this vague because I have plans to post about the actual project next time.)

In truth Dear Reader, I got lost in the vastness of the extra time that I now have since I am currently not working on any projects. ⏰ My intention was to enroll into classes at the beginning of the year and then toward summer start working on ideas that I have in some notebooks of mine. I figured getting into a learning mindset first would bring some new creative ideas. 👍 I am so angry with myself because I spaced out on the enrollment deadline and sadly am in NO class. 👎Well, no acting class anyway.

I did begin lessons with a new vocal coach, 🎤 so all is not completely lost! I like this guy. He is totally honest and keeps me working hard. He doesn’t let mistakes slide and I really appreciate that. I have had coaches who just focus on praising, which is nice, but I find that I am not learning in that type of environment. I know I can improve on something, but I was never told that I was doing anything wrong. I had a hard time believing that and comprehending how that could be possible when I knew that I needed help with breath control, not sliding into notes and a slew of other things. It seemed that the only thing we were going to work on was how to sing the next song. That was cool and everything, but I needed my money to give me a bigger return than that. Now, it has been a number of years since then and the time has come to upgrade those skills and since I can articulate myself better I know what to ask for in a teacher. At least this is one part of the plan that is working out.😄

Since I have so much free time, I figured that I would work on one of the projects that I wanted to take the year to get done. To keep me focused, I have currently told myself that by the end of February, I will have a version of it complete.

So today, I sat down and got everything ready, but decided I needed to get my laundry done instead. I guess the project just seems too daunting. This task isn’t in my wheel house. There is so much to tackle that I have no idea where I want to begin! So while the excitement is there, so too is the apprehension and fear that it won’t be what I thought I wanted as the outcome. And the curiosity that is everywhere because this will touch on so many topics.

I know in my gut that I need to begin but all of these feelings just give me pause and I know that I will sort through them but will I do it in enough time to complete this part of the project by the end of February? Cue the anxiety! Now time is a factor and it brings a whole new layer to put on top of this emotional cake.

But do you know what, Kind Reader? 💡Because of all these uncomfortable emotions, I know this is the right next step for me. In the end, that gives me enough calmness to take a deep breath and step up to the material I have set up already. Oh, and coincidentally the laundry is almost done too. 😃

Do you panic when you step out of your comfort zone? How do you know the thing that takes you out of your zone is the right thing for you to do? Let me know in the comments below. Now, Gentle Reader, if you will excuse me, I am gonna have a slice of that cake!🍰

Until next time…