Hello Dear Reader!

I didn’t have much to say this past year because as you may recall, I was taking some time off.

Over the last 11 months, I went through a major blast of anxiety and my doctor recommended therapy because he said I was suffering from acute depression. With everything that is happening in the world, I feel like it was a normal response to have.

Nothing went as I had planned as far as the theatrical pursuits that I had made goals for. Even my survival job was literally on survival mode. While that ended, they bought my skillset with a contract agreement and I am only giving them a year which ends in August of 26. It has already been a trying time and I don’t know how much longer I want to grow with this place and the inefficient way it runs.

Then, at the end of summer, I had lunch with a dear friend of mine, and she invited me to be a part of a cast that will be performing for a 60th Celebration. The first thing that popped into my head was all the times that I told people “sorry, I can’t. I am taking the year off.” Sadly, I have had to do it more than I really wanted, (you would be surprised how easy it is to say no after a few times.) because this was a promise that I had made to myself, and I am terrible at keeping them when they are for me.

I am not a people pleaser, but when it comes to close friends, I will do things for them, so saying no was a big deal. Initially, I was feeling like I would be missing something but I realized that I needed to complete this goal for me, because I fail all the time when it comes to keeping promises to myself.

This offer was different, however. It was kind of like a giant thank you for 60 years of opportunities given to people to play on stage and bringing different friendships together through this amazing community and it isn’t often that a chance like this comes along.

How could I say no, Gentle Reader?

Additionally, all of my goals for what I wanted to accomplish this year, were frozen. Thank you, Anxiety and Fear. With everything going on in the country, I hated going anywhere. More often than not, I simply went to work then went home. I decided that I didn’t want to risk going to any classes because all the places that I wanted to take them was in other cities and I was too afraid to drive anywhere outside of my 3 mile radius alone.

This was also a major contribution to my depression and furthering my disappointment that I couldn’t keep to the goals/promises that I had set. When I was talking to another friend, I had mentioned that I really didn’t think that I was interested in theatre anymore, which led to a talk about what I was looking for since all I had focused on in the past was this art form.

I didn’t have any answers for her. Once the doc said that this feeling could be part of the depression, things began to make more sense to me. I made some efforts to go out for more walks and journaling more. I have found that I did feel a little better and my interests in just life in general returned and I found my anxiety was lessened.

Maybe, Kind Reader, this is exactly what I needed.

Until our path across again, stay safe and alert. ❤

You have thoroughly ruined the majority of my weekend. I’ve missed 3 festive gatherings because of you and I’ve decided that enough is enough.

One thing that I have always believed in as an actor is to honor your feelings regardless of what they are. That being said, I feel that I’ve felt stress and anxiety as much as I can handle at the moment. For an honest to goodness moment, I actually stopped and really thought if I was going through a period of depression. I’ve been functioning, but not feeling like my usual jovial self. Maybe I am depressed, but every time I feel any sort of negative emotion, I have conditioned myself to take that energy and try and create something with it or to put it to beneficial use. For me the thinking behind is it, is that after I’ve “memorized” what these emotions make me feel physiologically, this energy doesn’t do anything. It just makes me fidget or eat (that’s the last thing I need to do on a budget as tight as mine.) but it doesn’t help me in any way. So, I try to redirect myself to find a project that I can complete or begin.

SO…

One of my co-workers asked me if I have any New Year’s resolutions the other day. I told her that I didn’t. Because I don’t believe in them. This seemed to surprise her. But why do you need them? I look at resolutions the same way I look at Thanksgiving. When it comes to being thankful, it should be something that you do every single day. I don’t need to be reminded. Besides, what we are taught in schools is not why “thanksgiving” was celebrated in the first place. It was for the slaughter of a nearby Native American tribe. I am NOT thankful for that.

Resolutions are almost always about making yourself a better person in some way. And what happens if you don’t keep to your resolution, for even a brief period of time? You feel like you failed. After that, then it’s like “why bother?” I am always looking for ways to better myself, so again, I don’t feel the need to make a resolution. I do make goals not resolutions. Goals can be created or revised when you need to re-evaluate. Resolutions, we have been trained to believe, are steadfast. Just call them goals. Why put yourself through the ringer if you don’t stick to your resolution. Check out this site for some interesting stats. Or if your interested in seeing what the top resolutions are, check it out here.

I’ve still got some goals that I am working on. Here are what I am working on:

1. Finding more performing opportunities.

2. Get an agent.

3. Pay off all my debts.

4. Fill my brain with more monologues.

and lastly,

5. Come to a definitive solution: sacrifice months that I can perform and get paid more OR keep my pay and audition for everything that I want to. With everything I am supposed to do, in addition to giving up what I am most passionate about for a 1/3 of the year, I feel like I should be making more money. If that’s not something that can happen, then I shouldn’t have to give up that 1/3 of the year. If I need to leave the wonderful place I am at now, then I’ll have to take that into serious consideration.

So what kind of goals do you have? Have you ever made a resolution that you were able to stick to? How’d you do it? Leave a comment and let’s chat about it. I am sure you can teach me something new!