🎼Say What You Wanna Say, And Let The Words Fall Out, Honestly, I Wanna See You Be Brave…🎶

Hello Gentle Reader!

It has been a great few weeks.

I am having a period of time that I am not fully accustomed to and instead of analyzing it, I am just trying to accept and grow with it.

You know how there are things that you know you can do, but you haven’t had a chance to show people? It feels like I can relax my shoulders more and take bigger breaths for the moment.

For those that haven’t seen the Instagram post, I have been given the opportunity to bring to life the character of John Proctor in Arthur Miller’s classic The Crucible! A dramatic role has been offered to moi? For the last decade and a half I have wanted to have a shot at something serious or even something dark. Aside from the Leading Player in Pippin, I have never had the chance to play with darker moments of shows. Weeelllll, I guess West Side Story… twice… So after I worked for Pear Theatre in their anthology of original works last year, I had a bigger yearning to do something serious because it felt so good to play these characters that felt mature and more solidly grounded (one was an absent father, another was a hurricane survivor trying to rebuild their home with his wife) than what I usually play.

I almost, ALMOST, let my own doubts and fear get to me and keep me from attending the callbacks or round 2 of auditions, for those that aren’t familiar. Not even doubts about my ability to do any of the roles in this play, but doubts about whether it would be a traditionally cast production. The play is about a small town of Puritans in the 1690’s during the Witch Trials near Salem, Massachusetts, so I was debating if it was just going to be a waste of time to go.

I changed my work schedule specifically for this reason so even though one of my doubts was that I would never make it on time to rehearsals, I already had planned for this. Then, I thought about the time that I was offered a really cool role of a Devil by a casting director of a show but had the director say that they were going to split the role into 3 parts and I would play the aspect that was more energetic and movement based. That brought up some bad vibes for a bit but then I thought about how I stood up for myself and agreed that the contract I signed would be broken and I wanted a new one. Since they wouldn’t give me a new contract, they just paid me for the role and released me from the contract as if completed. It was fine by me. I was a little mad at first, but I was paid in full and “won” the “argument.” I didn’t expect to get a check in the mail. LOL. But that was a very important lesson to learn.

But, Dear Reader, I went and did the thing!

And even though I wondered if I made the right choices or strong enough choices to embody the script once I was released from the room, I felt great that I just powered through that fear. I know that I had said a few lines wrong and I think it may have thrown off the actors I was working with. The intent was the same but the wrong cue line is kind of a bummer. So I did feel bad about that. Man, can you imagine? I said “You shall not speak of my wife!” instead of “You shall not speak of Elizabeth!” and the surprise made the other actor not get the part? Oh, I would feel so bad! I hope that didn’t happen.

So, yeah, the thing was done.

The other thing is that I have been working with a vocal coach sporadically. We have a bit of trouble syncing our schedules, but there is a comfortability and a trust that I have with them that makes the sessions feel like all these little light bulbs of knowledge are lighting up. Recently, some shows were announced that I thought, “YES! I want to be a part of that!” So I found an audition song that I think would be fantastic for one of them. My coach usually stops our warm ups at about an A but this song’s ending has a great phrase of just hopping from E to G’s and then popping up higher for the ending. He says “Ok, let’s give this a go” after we worked through any sort of rhythmic or diction issues. So I sing it like I will be singing it at auditions and he just stares at me for a few seconds.

“Where the hell have you been hiding that B? At full voice?!”

He was excited about how easy the E-G phrase was to do and then to blast out that ending made him wide eyed. 😂

He said he is looking forward to the next session because of this new information and we have yet to really dig in to falsetto, so I don’t know how much higher I can actually go.

Kind Reader, I have always been hesitant to say I can sing. I know what I can do, but I feel like my sound is more like a sing in the shower kind of sound. Since I started these sessions, I do feel like I have grown as a vocalist. I still hesitate to say, I’m a singer so I will just say, give me a bucket and I can carry a tune. 😂

With all of this new input and outcomes, I am a little mad at myself for being afraid or for choosing self sabotage (because let’s face it, I did choose it) when I know that these are things that I can do. I started to spiral out thinking about all the chances not taken and what my projects would have looked like and would I have been more confident because of it. However, on the other side of the coin, many of the projects that I did work on are like little treasures to me. Maybe this was the lesson I was supposed to learn?

I guess we will just have to wait and see.

Well, Gentle Reader, I cannot say thank you enough for letting me bend your ear once again. I have already been considering trying a new tactic for helping me associate how I feel about the different characters, but first I have to see if I can match up all of them, then I will let you know how it goes.

Until next time, stay safe and alert and be kind to yourself and those around you.

❤️

🎶We’ll fast forward to a few years later… And you’ve washed your hands clean…

whatta mess

Hello Dear Reader!!

I trust you had a wonderful week. The week and a half since my last post seems to have flown by. My goodness, I have been deep in the weeds apparently.

I have been on a cleaning mission of the craft room. The very same room I have been doing most of my Zoom calls in from this post.

I made mention that the room was a kind of library/craft room/catch all type of room. I may or may not have given you a great image of how cluttered it was, but I don’t think I did. In any case, let me take you back to about 2 weeks ago at the end of the acting class session…

Picture it, Gentle Reader, in a decent size room, where there is really only about 4×4 feet to maneuver around as you are flinging and flailing your body around as a physical warmup and you crash into the drum set and all the stuff piled on top of it which is behind a few yards of fabric that has been hung up with tacks in the ceiling to hide all the clutter behind it from the rest of the class, because you lost your balance after stepping on a pencil and tried not to break it. 😱 CHAOS!! That’s when 2 things happened. 1. I was so glad that I was muted from the class so they didn’t hear all of that while swinging in their own spaces, and 2. it was totally time to clean the hell outta this room!! 😜

All the work I did to clean and reorganize the rest of the apartment did not extend to this particular room. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because I never really go in there. Well until the Zoom calls…

So as I waited for the final “grades” of the acting class, I didn’t have anything else to do so I rolled up the ol’ proverbial sleeves and got to work cleaning the room. I found things that I had long forgotten about and things that reminded me of great times, like a Blockbuster Video membership card and hot air ballooning in Palm Springs. I also found a folder of old school papers. No report cards, just actual essays and old scripts. One page I did come across was a judge’s review sheet from a monologue contest. I missed a perfect score by .1. It was on the stupidest thing, too. My introduction. Then, like now, I didn’t like to talk about myself {in person anyway! 😈 I am really only talking about me on this blog, so it doesn’t make sense, I know}, and didn’t do the best at slating (the start of the audition where you state your name and the piece you are about to present/ character you are auditioning for). Point. 👏One. 👏 UGH!!!! Such is my life!! The things that really stick out with me is the comments that were left. There are some shorthand spelling issues, but this is exactly what they said with that in mind:

Comments on Delivery:
Very good intro – Don’t trail off! Good Physical & Verbal!
Comments on Interpretation:
Excellent – very clear and defined! Your usage of Body & eyes is remarkable!
Comments on Impact:
Very Excellent – especially ending!

(Oh!! Also, in case you are interested, the monologue was from King Lear, character was Edgar. If he has more than one, I can’t tell you which one it was. LOL! 😂 I came to find out a year later that the review was from John Healy. He was a pretty big deal in the Bay Area.)

Seeing this, Kind Reader, took me back to my big TBA audition a few years ago that I thought I was over. For the last few days, I have been stewing about that audition because I kept thinking of myself as Val in my own version of “Dance, Ten; Looks, Three.” (That was A Chorus Line reference. 🎭 If you haven’t heard the song it is one of my faves. Check it out and tell me your thoughts) Granted, I didn’t change myself like she does, but the idea is there. The work is great, just not the person doing the work is how it feels and that sucks balls! Especially now in this time where we are seeing that POC don’t have the same chances as “others.” I am starting to believe that that is what the real issue was. They didn’t know if I could fit into their companies because they don’t really use people “like me.”

Then, I got my assessment from the teacher… A near perfect grade. Her biggest critique? “His next step is trusting his impulses more, finding where he can release within himself/his body.” I have always been told my instincts are excellent but I don’t think I will ever be comfortable in myself. THAT’S WHY I ACT!!! 😳LOL! Kidding.

At least, mostly kidding.

She also commented on the work: “…has tremendous depth. It is a gift. He has a keen humor and sense of timing. He can trust his instincts and move beyond relying on that.”

I thought I had washed my hands clean of the TBA audition and the mental job it did on me. It turns out I still have some things to work through. So, Dear Reader, as I bag up garbage and toss it out, I shall toss out those critiques, even the good ones! I know I can do the work. I have had proof since ’95! LOL! All I can do now is blast some Alanis Morissette and break up with that shit. 👍

Until next time, stay safe, alert and kind, Gentle Reader.

Can’t wait, but…

Unknown

Hello Gentle Reader!

As you know, I am stepping into a director role once again for 🎷 Smokey Joe’s Cafe (which I lovingly call SmoJo’s). I didn’t think that I would direct again after Jesus Christ Superstar. 😔 It wasn’t the complete vision that I had and made way too many compromises for it to end up the way that I wanted. It wasn’t my vision, but I loved every person that worked so hard on it. My only wish is that I didn’t compromise what I wanted. 😉

I had mentioned that I was hesitant to direct to a good friend the other day (even though I have already accepted the position, yes, I know how it sounds) and she had some great advice and said “Don’t be! You learn from every situation, so whatever happened last time, learn from it and don’t let it happen again! You will make mistakes with every show…”

As I sat listening to the talented people 🎤 belt out tunes during the initial auditons, the voice of self doubt kept popping up and asking “are you sure you want to call XYZ back for XYZ role?” or “are you sure you can bring the best out of these people?” 👿 It was hard to shut it down. I am so glad that I have the team that I have. We laughed so much with each other and were all excited by all the people we had come out and sing us a song. The laughter does SO much to help squelch that voice. Something about sharing laughs with people helps me bond and connect them. Do you ever notice how laughing settles nerves and most uncomfortableness? It helps me so much. 👍

My Dear Reader, I was initially worried that we didn’t have people banging down the doors to audition but the number of people that did, had brought a lot of great stuff to the table. When I got home, after the second day of auditions, I KNEW I had a cast in there.

I slept so good that night! LOL. 💤

Oh, Gentle Reader! Knowing that I have 9 roles that can be filled 3 or 4 times over by these auditionees puts my nerves and heart at ease, but that stupid worry voice, while muffled, is still there. Am I the right person to lead these 9 people to a packed house of spectators that will be blown away?

Yes.

I am. Thank you ❤︎, Jillian, for giving me a different way to look at this! So once the decisions are hashed out, I will happily pour as much of my heart and soul into this show that I am asking the performers to give to the audience.

And I can’t wait for you to see what’s in store!

So my Kind Reader, what do you do to get over that little voice that makes you doubt yourself? Or maybe you don’t have that issue… if you don’t, damn! I would love to be you. Well, like you. 😉

Until next time, Dear Reader. I look forward to talking about the callbacks… but that’s another post. Muahahahaha!!!💖💖

I Survived Day 1…

Superstar

Disclaimer 1: I wrote this part while having breakfast before auditions.

Even in spite of all the meetings and thoughts and numerous ideas I have committed to my trusty notebook for this, TODAY really feels like the day when I am beginning this brand new adventure in theatre.

In previous meetings, we have discussed the personalities of all the main characters, what their motivations are, what we are listening for, what the set looks like, what the costumes are going to be like, where the orchestra is going to be situated, contingency plans if our audition turn out is less than desirable, and which songs will be “danced.”

Along with the meetings, the numerous spins of those disks in my car and repeated plays in itunes, and the time that I took to make a 30 second dance combination for the people who audition, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am going to be responsible for this show.

The thought not only makes me giddy with excitement, but it, in a very small way, terrifies me. People have constantly asked me “What’s your concept for the show?” They stand there waiting, wide eyed and truly interested. And to be honest, I had thought of a number of different ones, but my favorite was having JFK or MLK “as” Jesus and setting everything around that. There are different conspiracy theories surrounding JFK and Dr. King is such a good example for nonviolence and equality of his time; I thought it would make for a very new spin on the show. Feel free to use the idea if you would like.

Then, I thought about the venue. I know the patrons and subscribers and they enjoy the traditional tellings of shows. And I thought, as a new director, would the idea be too big to pull off in a clear way, as in would I get to bogged down in the idea that I lost focus of my true characters. I remember a wonderful man telling me, in a cafe many months ago, keep things clear and simple. So with that in mind, I decided I will keep the traditional look, but let’s play with the way things are being said. Once I began to dig into the lyrics, there are a number of times that if you merely change the person that a lyric gets sung to, new possibilities open up. All you need is a door to walk through to get into a new room.

What worries me is that this particular show, while I have a tremendous fondness, it is not a very popular musical. Many people either A. hate anything that says Andrew Lloyd Webber on it, B. hate the rock music, or C. hate the story. There are so many great parts and some of them I am really willing to cast nontraditionally, again…door.

But if you were to just forget about who is in the story and the why’s and think about it as a story of loyalty, love, and guilt don’t you think it is intriguing? What would you do if someone you love asked you to do something that could cause them physical harm? Could you do it? Why? Or better question, why not? If that person told you it would be a huge benefit to so many people, isn’t your refusal selfish? There are so many questions to ask and so many answers to find. I just hope that people will get their tickets and explore this journey with us.

Disclaimer 2: I am writing this after Zombie Prom performance.

Before we began, I thought about something my director for Pippin said to me about auditions. She told me, “Don’t set an expectation for particular people to show up. Sometimes life gets in the way and they can’t make it. Be open to the people that are there and what they bring to the table.” I tell you, it made all the difference in the world. I felt more relaxed and enjoyed the process a hell of a lot more emotionally. Physically, I feel a little worn down, but so thankful to the many talented people that came to audition. The prospects are looking pretty good even though it was only the first day. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. Yeah, my body may hurt a little now and I will be stiff as all get out tomorrow, but these first auditionees make it all worth it.

We have another day of auditions tomorrow from 6:30 – 9 at the Saratoga Civic Theater in Saratoga, CA. Come on down, sing us a song, and dance a little bit. It’ll be fun!

How To Succeed…

I know that the auditions for West Valley Light Opera’s production of How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying are coming up, so I’ve been doing my homework. The first time that I heard the Matthew Broderick version of the show, I thought, meh.

I recently watched the movie version and was mostly creeped out rather than impressed with it. Because of this, I have to say I wasn’t really looking forward to these auditions.

So today, I reluctantly put in the newest version featuring the guy who plays Harry Potter. What’s his name again? Kidding, he’s brilliant in the show. I actually enjoyed listened to the whole show while I was doing the laundry. While I was folding away and I found that I felt lighter in foot than normal when doing such mundane chores as this.

Now don’t get me wrong, the staff that West Valley has assembled is a trio of positivity and fun. Of course that makes for some happy times to be had. When I first heard that this show was going to kick off next season, I was so happy. Then I found out the staff and I was over the moon.

So I went back to dance class, not only to work on my technique and remind myself of things, but to get my mind set ready for the audition. Can I just say that playing catch up for three different routines is not as fun as I thought the challenge of it would be. I guess I over romanticized it to myself. Don’t get me wrong as I am having a crazy good time. Seriously. My body is sore as hell and I’ve got some bruised areas, but it’s so fun, I wish I was able to have never stopped dancing.

Relearning the different weight changes for the different styles is frackin’ nuts. It took nearly half the class for me to get my hip hop swagger (yeah, right. Like I really have some.) from walking around working on my posture for the modern class.

We’ll just have to see what happens. Still can’t figure out what to sing though.

Got any suggestions for a song? Feel free to leave them in the comments section!!