🎼 Where Is It Written What It Is I’m Meant To Be; That I Can’t Dare To Have The Chance To Pick The Fruit of Every Tree…🎶

Hello Dear Reader!

I didn’t have much to say this past year because as you may recall, I was taking some time off.

Over the last 11 months, I went through a major blast of anxiety and my doctor recommended therapy because he said I was suffering from acute depression. With everything that is happening in the world, I feel like it was a normal response to have.

Nothing went as I had planned as far as the theatrical pursuits that I had made goals for. Even my survival job was literally on survival mode. While that ended, they bought my skillset with a contract agreement and I am only giving them a year which ends in August of 26. It has already been a trying time and I don’t know how much longer I want to grow with this place and the inefficient way it runs.

Then, at the end of summer, I had lunch with a dear friend of mine, and she invited me to be a part of a cast that will be performing for a 60th Celebration. The first thing that popped into my head was all the times that I told people “sorry, I can’t. I am taking the year off.” Sadly, I have had to do it more than I really wanted, (you would be surprised how easy it is to say no after a few times.) because this was a promise that I had made to myself, and I am terrible at keeping them when they are for me.

I am not a people pleaser, but when it comes to close friends, I will do things for them, so saying no was a big deal. Initially, I was feeling like I would be missing something but I realized that I needed to complete this goal for me, because I fail all the time when it comes to keeping promises to myself.

This offer was different, however. It was kind of like a giant thank you for 60 years of opportunities given to people to play on stage and bringing different friendships together through this amazing community and it isn’t often that a chance like this comes along.

How could I say no, Gentle Reader?

Additionally, all of my goals for what I wanted to accomplish this year, were frozen. Thank you, Anxiety and Fear. With everything going on in the country, I hated going anywhere. More often than not, I simply went to work then went home. I decided that I didn’t want to risk going to any classes because all the places that I wanted to take them was in other cities and I was too afraid to drive anywhere outside of my 3 mile radius alone.

This was also a major contribution to my depression and furthering my disappointment that I couldn’t keep to the goals/promises that I had set. When I was talking to another friend, I had mentioned that I really didn’t think that I was interested in theatre anymore, which led to a talk about what I was looking for since all I had focused on in the past was this art form.

I didn’t have any answers for her. Once the doc said that this feeling could be part of the depression, things began to make more sense to me. I made some efforts to go out for more walks and journaling more. I have found that I did feel a little better and my interests in just life in general returned and I found my anxiety was lessened.

Maybe, Kind Reader, this is exactly what I needed.

Until our path across again, stay safe and alert. ❤

🎼 I’m Diggin’ on the Isotopes; This Metaphysic Shit is Dope, and If All This Can Give Me Hope… 🎶

I would be so so satisfied.

Hello Gentle Reader!
Long time no check-in. I know. In a world that seems to have lost its damn mind, I have found it
hard to want to share or even to connect outside my normal circles.
About a month ago, I came across a post by Cindy Kaza who is not just a medium, yes a medium 👻, but also an incredible artist:

“Human beings have natural season of life. At times, we want to be more extroverted and
connected to community. And at times we’re called inwards. To spend time alone. To reconnect
with ourselves. The cocoon stage comes when we are searching for more, when we don’t want
small talk, when we feel the pull of the body to rest.
It’s a sacred experience. Because it’s not normalized, family and friends can take our cocoon
stage personally. They can view it as a rejection or self isolation.
The cocoon stage isn’t isolation, it’s our solitude. In solitude, we heal our body, expand our mind
and we have space to grieve, process, and reflect on our life.
We’re conditioned to keep going. To keep pushing and grinding, in a constant stream of
distraction. Allowing ourselves to go into cocoon state is a radical act of self love.”

It was fully my intention to use 2024 as a cocoon year.

2023 was remarkable, I learned some new stuff for my survival job and even though it is not my
passion, I did enjoy the chance to learn and work on new things.
However, Dear Reader, in my artistic life, I feel like it was a spectacular moment in time. Like that last thing on a very long list that people said I couldn’t do, I did it. I’d like to think I was successful at it, but defer to the audience. The thing I am talking about specifically is being a part of The Crucible.
I wish I could recall how many people have said things like “Oh that isn’t your type” or “you
don’t give that kind of energy” or straight up “I just can’t see you in that kind of role” when I
have mentioned that I need to do a serious role in a dramatic piece. 😵

The weight of that role, and how different it was from anything I have ever had the chance to
play, was such a fantastic challenge and the words and speech patterns, themselves, were
another level of difficulty. 😵‍💫 And to have the audience with us on that journey every night all the
way through was thrilling.

Then, to follow The Crucible up with Young Frankenstein just seemed like the perfect
compliment to explore nearly the entire emotional spectrum in 6 months.

I think I just wanted firstly, time to relax and really absorb that experience, no… this was an achievement. I have had a chance to feel the gratitude in so many ways, and in doing so, I came to the realization that I wanted to explore more. To my mind, the only way to do that is to get back into classes.

My plan was to return to A.C.T. classes in San Fran. I was aiming for Spring and Summer sessions. I wanted to use the cocoon time to learn and grow and focus on just doing that. I wanted to be able to knit and read at leisure. 💃🏽🕺🏽To take dance classes again on occasion. I find that because I don’t have the best concentration that I need to be incredibly mindful of what I am doing. People say why don’t you knit while you are watching tv. I do. Well, I try. I sit there holding the project but I end up watching the screen and then if there are commercials, I do a little knitting.

Oh Gentle Reader, I love to be swept away in stories so I try to get lost in whatever is playing. Unless the writing is predictable (which is happening a LOT on TV nowadays so that gets boring really fast) Because I want to be invested in the story, I end up not getting anything done. People listen to audiobooks and knit, but I can’t do that either, because I like to “see” the story in my head. Sadly, I am not a good enough knitter to do it without looking. 😂

⏰ Which brings us to today… I begin working on a new project in a few hours, but I was conflicted about it for a VERY long time. But that is a whole other story.

Have you ever considered the human life having “seasons?” Have you ever felt a pull to just shut yourself away for a bit just to think? For me that is the practice I do every time my birthday rolls around, but usually it is only a day or two, so having this feeling of wanting to just use a full year is so appealing. Has the idea of stepping back from something that you enjoy doing so that you can focus on expanding what you know to add even more to that proverbial toolbox?

Until next time, Kind Reader, please be safe and aware and take care of yourself and those you care about.

When It’s Dark, Look For The Stars…

Dear Gentle Reader,

I hope this finds you in good health and spirits!

At the start of this crisis, I told myself that this would be a great time to do all the things that I felt I didn’t have time to do. Ha-ha, yeah, right.

By the end of the first week, I could feel a suffocation building. You see, there were a lot of things that I was in the middle of and leaving them unfinished would prove to weigh heavily on my psyche. My team and I were placed on furlough in early March. The company that holds the contract to the location we are located was up for renewal this year and we still didn’t know the status. We didn’t know if we would be employed when it was time to come back to work. I was in the middle of interviewing for a new job that would have incredible effects on my life and present new challenges that I was looking forward to. With hiring frozen, there went that possibility for now. In mid-April, I found out the company I am with lost their contract. Now it became a question of would we be invited to join the new company or would my team be up a creek?

Couple this stuff with the health issues of some of my loved ones. My job, while sending me on furlough, was kind enough to continue to pay for my health benefits which was an unbelievable kindness that I will never forget. The reason it meant so much to me was because my hubby (who continued to work) is still dealing with his cancer which we hadn’t told many people about and we are both covered under my company. Every day, I am constantly checking in with him to see how he feels. I almost feel like a mom. LOL! So a massive cloud was building over this one issue. My mother and sister both work in nursing homes and I have seen both catch colds from people there. I know it isn’t intentional and I feel for all involved, but I would worry about what could happen if one of them came home with the virus? My dad is suffering from dementia and his health isn’t all that great as it is and it takes a lot to push away those thoughts. My good friend, Tom, works in a place that is considered essential and I worry about his health as well.

I had nightmares that ended up with me alone in strange places when I was once surrounded by people and places that were familiar several nights a week. This put my sleep cycle into something much more severe chaos than mere insomnia. What did these dreams mean? I know some people think they mean nothing but to each their own.

I would try to distract myself with projects but eventually, those thoughts would come back and take over, so I would move on to something new but once again, Dear Reader, came the worries. It seemed like every”where” I would run to, I was followed by these lingering thoughts that would bloom into storms of worry. My eyes would flash with tears and my blood would pound in my ears like inescapable thunder. For weeks. Finally, I sat down in the middle of the “rain” and just surrendered. So I wrote to you, Kind Reader.

When I set out to do something, I typically get it done or I get a version of it done that I can live with for now. However, when I don’t do it, I engage in a lot of negative self talk and frustration with myself. I wish I can tell you how all the things that I didn’t get to do or complete have contributed to that typhoon of depression and anxiety.

I know that it can never rain forever. I know this. I know that no single feeling will last forever. Once this virus is under control, I would feel better. Then something happened. When I focused on that one little fact, “it will not be forever” (It just feels like it.) the rain lightened up a little. Each day that my love came home and was feeling fine, it lightened up a bit more. Then, one day the doctor said that the immunotherapy seems to be doing some good and the rain stopped. After that, I found out that most of my team was going to be moved to the new company that won the contract. In fact, I just signed my offer letter today! The nightmares have stopped. When I check in with my mom I find she and my dad are doing great. I don’t think the worry was needless or irrational or unwarranted, but I am surprised at how deeply it sank its snare into me. I thought I would be on social media so much more than I am currently, but all I could handle was a text thread between my siblings and nieces and my besties. I would pop in every couple of days, but it was all just an attempt to distract myself and not to connect. It is rough. It WAS rough. I think now that things are evening out, I may be back on more. Fingers crossed.

I feel like I will be back to normalish soon whether or not the shelter in place orders are lifted. Until then, I will keep looking up.

Do you ever notice that when you look up and see the stars they glitter their little hello’s, but when to look past them, more come into view? Like you are getting closer to those far away balls of light?

If you, Gentle Reader, are finding that this shelter in place and social distancing is getting you down and need to talk about it, drop me a line! If you feel like you need help, reach out to NAMI.ORG or you can call them at 800.950.NAMI or text “NAMI” to 741741.

Again, we are all in this together. Be kind to yourself and to others. Be alert and be safe.

Until next time….