🎼 Where Is It Written What It Is I’m Meant To Be; That I Can’t Dare To Have The Chance To Pick The Fruit of Every Tree…🎶

Hello Dear Reader!

I didn’t have much to say this past year because as you may recall, I was taking some time off.

Over the last 11 months, I went through a major blast of anxiety and my doctor recommended therapy because he said I was suffering from acute depression. With everything that is happening in the world, I feel like it was a normal response to have.

Nothing went as I had planned as far as the theatrical pursuits that I had made goals for. Even my survival job was literally on survival mode. While that ended, they bought my skillset with a contract agreement and I am only giving them a year which ends in August of 26. It has already been a trying time and I don’t know how much longer I want to grow with this place and the inefficient way it runs.

Then, at the end of summer, I had lunch with a dear friend of mine, and she invited me to be a part of a cast that will be performing for a 60th Celebration. The first thing that popped into my head was all the times that I told people “sorry, I can’t. I am taking the year off.” Sadly, I have had to do it more than I really wanted, (you would be surprised how easy it is to say no after a few times.) because this was a promise that I had made to myself, and I am terrible at keeping them when they are for me.

I am not a people pleaser, but when it comes to close friends, I will do things for them, so saying no was a big deal. Initially, I was feeling like I would be missing something but I realized that I needed to complete this goal for me, because I fail all the time when it comes to keeping promises to myself.

This offer was different, however. It was kind of like a giant thank you for 60 years of opportunities given to people to play on stage and bringing different friendships together through this amazing community and it isn’t often that a chance like this comes along.

How could I say no, Gentle Reader?

Additionally, all of my goals for what I wanted to accomplish this year, were frozen. Thank you, Anxiety and Fear. With everything going on in the country, I hated going anywhere. More often than not, I simply went to work then went home. I decided that I didn’t want to risk going to any classes because all the places that I wanted to take them was in other cities and I was too afraid to drive anywhere outside of my 3 mile radius alone.

This was also a major contribution to my depression and furthering my disappointment that I couldn’t keep to the goals/promises that I had set. When I was talking to another friend, I had mentioned that I really didn’t think that I was interested in theatre anymore, which led to a talk about what I was looking for since all I had focused on in the past was this art form.

I didn’t have any answers for her. Once the doc said that this feeling could be part of the depression, things began to make more sense to me. I made some efforts to go out for more walks and journaling more. I have found that I did feel a little better and my interests in just life in general returned and I found my anxiety was lessened.

Maybe, Kind Reader, this is exactly what I needed.

Until our path across again, stay safe and alert. ❤

🎼Hold Both Hands Right Over My Eyes, Deafen Me With Music…🎶

Hey Gentle Reader 👋,

Wow! What a whirlwind the last two weeks it has been! (Well, by now, it has been more like 3.) You see, a few weeks ago, a friend approached me to workshop an original work. I have started writing this post several times because I am not sure what I can say.

Let me preface this WHOLE post by saying I honestly believe I have a type of imposter syndrome. I can’t say for sure that the end result is I fear I will be found as a fraud. I think it is more like I fear that I cannot live up to my “reputation.” I don’t even know where that came from. I just try to do my best and find the humanity in my characters and go from there. So I guess it IS a fear of being seen a fraud. Anyway…

Can I just say I went through a gamut of emotions between the moment of initiation and the past weekend? At first, there was shock. Then, anxiety decided to stop by, followed by fear, excitement, and finally curiosity. And of course anxiety, again. This was all just from the initial ask! The excitement returned when the welcome email came through. I have never had the opportunity to do something like this before.

When I got the script, I began to wonder if I was the right person for the job. Aside from being comedy relief, I was not who I would think of upon first read. However, I have learned that reading a script once is not the best way to see what it was the casting director saw in that role to make them think of you. So I reread the script 3 more times.

I found small details that I could latch on to to build this character and make him fully realized with what I can bring to the table.

There was only a few days to analyze and one week to rehearse before we had to put this on its feet so I had to work as fast as I could. The catch, it had music to learn! Now, you, Dear Reader, might say, “so, it’s a musical, you’ve done those. What’s the big deal?”

Well, the thing about the musicals that I have done, they were established already. This show didn’t have sheet music yet! It didn’t have anything that I could reference or listen to to get a feel for the rhythms. I have mentioned several times that the singing side of performing is what I feel the least confident about, so, to not have the music to plunk out my notes brought back all the self doubt that I had.

The first day we all got to be in the same room was like a breath of fresh air. Sharing the energy of the others in the cast was a long missed feeling and I just loved it. This coincidentally was the same day we learned all the music for the show. Our assistant director and vocal director was one of the amazing cast members of the SmoJo’s from early 2019 that I wouldn’t shut up about because I was so proud of these artists. I was already floored by this talented fella, but to watch him listen to a piece of music and pop out harmonies for all the different vocal groups blew my mind. His musical acuity is just amazing to me. Even though, this was a new type of challenge for me, I absolutely enjoyed the process.

We did the scene work over Zoom which was quick and easy. Then, we had 2 days to put it all together and present.

The whole project was exciting and I was shocked that there was no point while working that my anxiety or fear popped into my head. I was really surprised when I stopped and thought about it. I am so grateful that I know now I can invite fear and anxiety to the party but letting them know they are not the host.

The experience has left me on a bit of a Cloud 9 and filled with much needed artistic happiness. I still hum the songs. LOL!

Well, Kindest Reader, I don’t know about you, but I am really thrilled at little discoveries like this. Have you ever had a kind of epiphany that teaches you something about yourself? How did it change your views going forward? Let me know in the comments.

Until next time, I hope you get a chance to gather with those you love safely. I CAN’T WAIT TO HUG MY FRIENDS OR YOU IF WE MEET!!! 😂😂😂

❤️

I’m Not OK & That’s OK

white ceramic sculpture with black face mask — Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Hello Gentle Reader,

How are you holding up during this pandemic? I hope you are well and staying safe and healthy.

If you would have asked me last month, I would have said I am great. That would have been a 3/4 true statement. People ask now and I tell them I am doing ok. That is a lie, Dear Reader. A big ol’ bold faced lie, I tells ya!

I think I really hit “the wall” about two weeks ago. I have tried to keep myself busy learning some new things, completing yarn projects that I had started but never finished, and even moving all the furniture in my apartment around. I would have done a closet cleaning, but I did that around Christmas time. Every time I try to work on something theatre related, this deep sense of despair hits me like a kick to the chest.

Yup! Like Bruce Lee is kicking me in the chest…

Ever since I got the directive to stay home on March 11th, I have been having a hard time sleeping. I have tried sleeping pills and they do the trick, but I don’t take them repeatedly because I don’t want to make a habit out of it. I used to find that using them for one night would reset my sleeping rhythm and I would be good until the next bout of insomnia.

Now, I think they enhance my anxiety more than anything else. When I do sleep, I either can’t get comfortable or I have nightmares that set the anxiety into overdrive or scare the shit out of me. Sometimes both.

I think of my friends every hour but I find pulling up social media to be less stimulating than actually seeing them in person or laughing with them and feeling that vibration fill my heart with joy. When I think about logging on, I just get overwhelmed.

I have an ongoing text conversation with my siblings and a cousin and my nieces, but it isn’t the same. It is nice to have, don’t get me wrong, but it isn’t the same and my brain doesn’t like the lack of punctuation and all the spelling errors thanks to voice text. LOL! I know, Kind Reader, I am being ultra whiney right now and I should be grateful for the contact. I hear you and I acknowledge you.

It’s true, Gentle Reader. I am being whiney. But here is the point of all of this. It is ok to not be ok. I have always said to embrace your feelings. Acknowledge them and walk through them. I am bringing them to light because maybe in doing so, it might help someone else that is struggling with this shelter in place malaise as well.

For me, I imagine working my way through them as though I was walking through a haunted maze or house during Halloween. For those of you who don’t know, I love horror movies but am terrified of the dark. (Rereading that last sentence during editing makes no logical sense, I know, but then again, neither does loving performing but hating being in pictures.) Walking into a haunted house is always a sense of fun and dread, granted there is no fun in the feelings I am currently fighting. I jump at everything that pops out or screams at me. I have night lights in every single room of my apartment. I think every noise that the neighbors make is something other than what it is. I am a psychological mess. I freely admit that. I’d love to see a therapist, but worry that I would go bankrupt for all the sessions I would need to fix me. But I know I am not alone. And You are not alone.

So as we work through this and maintain vigilance in the face of this pandemic. Honor your feelings. Work through them in any way that you can. If you want to drop me a line, feel free to do so. Maybe we can trade ideas. If you feel like this is way too much, please, PLEASE, reach out to NAMI.ORG or you can call them at 800.950.NAMI or text “NAMI” to 741741.

My Dear Reader, we are all in this together. Be kind to yourself and to others. We don’t know what others are dealing with. Be safe and be aware.

Until next time…

So I Said To Myself… Don’t Judge Me…

I recently began working on my next show. Thanks to the Prom, I had missed 3 rehearsals and was meeting the cast for the first time.

Meeting new people always gives me a little anxiety. But I knew the director and it was nice to just kind of chat with him a bit. He quickly went over the blocking that I was given. After about 10 minutes of that, we began running the show, with scripts.

My first entrance felt way clunky and jarring. I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I can read things and sound totally casual, like I was making it up. This particular moment though, I felt so out of step with myself. I noticed that the other actors were really getting into their characters with motion and great choices. I, on the other hand, kept checking for the markers for the entry points of the set before I walked out.

About the third exit, I had to take a deep breath. “Relax. This is your first rehearsal. These people have been working on this for almost two weeks. You just have to catch up.” I said to myself. Once I realized that it was okay for me to be a little clunky, I was able to shake out whatever was making me feel awkward and by the time I had to improv a tango, the folks were giggling at my little dance.

The point is, most of the time, you have to get out of your own way. The only way to do it though is to be aware of yourself and ask logical questions about such and such. You can’t just sit there and say, “why am I sucking?” Ask smarter questions like “What is making me misread this particular script?” the answer; anxiety. “Why am I anxious about being here?” answer; meeting new people. So I smiled at my fellow actors and when we had down time, I went over and asked what they did the previous two weeks. Problem solved. I didn’t get the chance to bond with the cast at the beginning when original introductions were made, so that added to my own silly neurosis.

Even after all the shows this year, I still have a problem meeting new people. I guess it’s a process, but I feel like I am getting better at it. But it is such slow going.

Do you get anxious over meeting new people? Or is it something completely different? What do you do to get through it?

Thanks for reading!!

Until next time…

Thank you, Stress and Anxiety…

You have thoroughly ruined the majority of my weekend. I’ve missed 3 festive gatherings because of you and I’ve decided that enough is enough.

One thing that I have always believed in as an actor is to honor your feelings regardless of what they are. That being said, I feel that I’ve felt stress and anxiety as much as I can handle at the moment. For an honest to goodness moment, I actually stopped and really thought if I was going through a period of depression. I’ve been functioning, but not feeling like my usual jovial self. Maybe I am depressed, but every time I feel any sort of negative emotion, I have conditioned myself to take that energy and try and create something with it or to put it to beneficial use. For me the thinking behind is it, is that after I’ve “memorized” what these emotions make me feel physiologically, this energy doesn’t do anything. It just makes me fidget or eat (that’s the last thing I need to do on a budget as tight as mine.) but it doesn’t help me in any way. So, I try to redirect myself to find a project that I can complete or begin.

SO…

One of my co-workers asked me if I have any New Year’s resolutions the other day. I told her that I didn’t. Because I don’t believe in them. This seemed to surprise her. But why do you need them? I look at resolutions the same way I look at Thanksgiving. When it comes to being thankful, it should be something that you do every single day. I don’t need to be reminded. Besides, what we are taught in schools is not why “thanksgiving” was celebrated in the first place. It was for the slaughter of a nearby Native American tribe. I am NOT thankful for that.

Resolutions are almost always about making yourself a better person in some way. And what happens if you don’t keep to your resolution, for even a brief period of time? You feel like you failed. After that, then it’s like “why bother?” I am always looking for ways to better myself, so again, I don’t feel the need to make a resolution. I do make goals not resolutions. Goals can be created or revised when you need to re-evaluate. Resolutions, we have been trained to believe, are steadfast. Just call them goals. Why put yourself through the ringer if you don’t stick to your resolution. Check out this site for some interesting stats. Or if your interested in seeing what the top resolutions are, check it out here.

I’ve still got some goals that I am working on. Here are what I am working on:

1. Finding more performing opportunities.

2. Get an agent.

3. Pay off all my debts.

4. Fill my brain with more monologues.

and lastly,

5. Come to a definitive solution: sacrifice months that I can perform and get paid more OR keep my pay and audition for everything that I want to. With everything I am supposed to do, in addition to giving up what I am most passionate about for a 1/3 of the year, I feel like I should be making more money. If that’s not something that can happen, then I shouldn’t have to give up that 1/3 of the year. If I need to leave the wonderful place I am at now, then I’ll have to take that into serious consideration.

So what kind of goals do you have? Have you ever made a resolution that you were able to stick to? How’d you do it? Leave a comment and let’s chat about it. I am sure you can teach me something new!