🎼 Won’t Let A Stranger Give Me A Social Disease 🎶…

Hello Dear Reader!

Forgive my absence for the last few weeks. I ended up contracting coronavirus at the end of January. It was so hard! I have never been so sick that I couldn’t do anything. I wanted nothing more than just to be sleeping. I didn’t want to eat or look at any sort of social media. I didn’t want to read. It just felt best when I was lying down and alone. At one point, during the first week, I had terrible back pain. It was so bad that I couldn’t get comfortable and get any rest. As long as I was lying down, I was ok, but as soon as I needed to talk or move, I had a hard time catching my breath. It felt like it took forever just to get the simplest sentence out. Finally, I called the advice nurse and she urged me to go to the ER because my breathing was more labored than it should be. So it was off to the emergency room where I spent a good seven or eight hours.

It was a little scary because they took me outside to this tent structure that was used for covid patients. The doctors there were very kind and really upbeat. There weren’t many other people when I arrived but after they got what seemed like 20 vials of blood from me, four other patients came in. The doctor gave me two bags of fluids to curb my dehydration and injected me with something that was to help with the back pain. After about 15 minutes, the pain subsided and I was finally able to lay comfortably so I tried to get some sleep, but with all that was going on, I couldn’t. They wheeled me to another part of the tent and did a chest X-ray. The doctor came back after a couple of hours and said that it looks like I had pneumonia. His final assessment was that I had Covid induced pneumonia.

Even when I had regular pneumonia, I still was able to go to rehearsals and get through the three or four hour block of time. This was something way more painful than the regular illness. It made me question everything. I wondered what I was doing with my life. I couldn’t find anything enjoyable to focus on except for a sweet little note from my friends, Nancy and Riley. I put it next to my bed so I could see it all the time. About four days after the ER visit, I began to feel like a fog was clearing. At one point, I felt like I was time traveling and was in random places that didn’t feel like dreams. I know what dreams are like, I remember them pretty well. These felt like different times and foreign lands. Usually when I dream, when the “scene changed” it would just morph and suddenly the setting would be different. In this “dream time” I was literally whisked away through a kind of portal to the new setting. It was the most fascinating and unnerving thing I have ever experienced.

I know, I know, Gentle Reader. It sounds so bizarre.

In the last week, as I got better, I began to want to sing. I know I couldn’t yet because I didn’t have any diaphramatical support since the coughing made breathing difficult. I started by just trying to hum along with the songs from Smokey Joe’s Cafe. Breathing and humming along in the same phrases that the singer would use. I gradually had made it to actually singing. I still have some coughing fits and my range isn’t what it was, but I can feel the strength coming back. I continue to use musicals to help with my breathing and I wonder if anyone else has used singing to try and “get back to normal.”

So, Kind Reader, have you found ever used any of the Arts to help heal you? I feel like having that little hand written note helped me to begin to heal. I traced the letters and hearts. Then, with all that love I felt in that note, I turned to things that I loved to help me continue to heal. Call me crazy, but I honestly think without that small note of love and kindness, I would have taken a lot longer to heal. I even completed a 45 minute online workout and only had to stop once.

I don’t know where I am going with this, but I needed to get this out. I thank you once again, Dear Reader for letting me bend your ear. Until next time, stay safe and aware. Let me know if you have ever used something you love to get better from an illness in the comments.

🎼Heaven Knows I Was Just A Young Boy, Didn’t Know What I Wanted To Be…🎶

Hello Dear Reader!

I trust these last three weeks of the new year have been better than the first, no? I hope they have been. Things around here have been a cavalcade of emotions, I tells ya! What a first week of the year! Not only did we still have regular COVID to worry about, but now there are new strains? We lost 3 members of our family. There was an attempt at preventing the confirmation of a real leader-like president. There were happy moments with yummy dinners. Online visits with friends. Text message conversations with besties. Video messages with besties.

After that first week, things seem to have started looking better. Something that I have come to really enjoy lately, while talking with my longest friend from childhood, is the revelation of things that I had long forgotten.

The first high school that I had attended didn’t really have a theatre department. It was barely a class at best when I first started going there. I believe that the three years that I attended, it had 3 different teachers. But that is something that I can’t stand behind 100%. 😂😂

Each one had their good and bad, but I can only remember that last one had said the words “there’s no reason why you couldn’t be on that stage doing that too.” The day previous we had gone to the school performance of Pippin, which was life changing for me. I had never been able to sit so close to the stage where I felt like I could feel the Leading Player’s energy. I was in awe as I watched him charm his way through the show. I had never wanted to do something so bad. I feel horrible that I can’t remember her name, but I can see her face when I stop and think about her. No WAIT!!! Her name was Mrs. Current!!!! 👍👍 Woot!

I also recall that the first teacher claimed he was a working actor, but he didn’t really teach us anything that I can say was impactful. He definitely gave the impression that he didn’t want to help people become better at acting and I was really mad about that. This was the first time that I was able to take a “class” to learn how to be better at something I was doing since grade school. I couldn’t afford to go to any real acting classes, so I had to wait until high school. The only critiques that I can recall him saying are “You need to know what you’re talking about” or “How much time did you spend on this?” Each of those were usually directed at the other students. To my friends and I, it would be a “that was nice” or the occasional “good job.” I mean, that’s nice and all, but he never broke it down to say what was good, or how he came to the conclusion that the piece was ‘nice.’ Ugh, to say he irked me is an understatement.

Finally, in senior year of high school, I transferred to a school that had a whole department dedicated to performing arts and it was where I met John Healy. I learned so much in that one year than the entire previous three. When I think back on those years, I may not have learned much from those teachers, but I remember being allowed to perform pretty much anything I wanted during the first three years. I did a John Leguizamo piece that was SO not high school appropriate. 😳😳 My friends and I acted out the entire first scene of Hocus Pocus and we were the Sanderson Sisters, harmonies and all. WERK!🤌 I can’t remember any sort of “fun” feelings like that during my final year of high school with those new friends, so I guess that was where the trade-off was.

I used to believe that if I stopped and looked at the past, it wouldn’t do much to help me get ahead, so I rarely looked back. However, I am finding that this abstract portrait of my life that I am painting can’t be really seen or fully enjoyed if I continue to work with my nose pressed up against the canvas focusing on the details of only the right now. What I am learning from this is that while it is nice to have a certain color in one spot of your painting, maybe by adding it to another area of the canvas it can make your work of art all the more beautiful.

When my uncle, aunt and cousin passed away earlier this year from COVID-19, my sister texted me pictures of them and while the memories are super fuzzy, they made me smile. Hold your loved ones close, Gentle Reader, and step back from your paintings every once in a while to see if there are any colors missing from spots.

I hope the start of 2021 is proving to be better than last year. Mine may have started rocky, but things are looking up. Thanks for letting me bend your ear once again.

Until next time, Kind Reader, stay safe and aware. Don’t forget to create. ❤️❤️❤️

🎼Every Time I See You, Oh I Try To Hide Away 🎶…

Happy New Year, Gentle Reader!

I hope your celebration was great and you are looking forward to what 2021 has to offer. 

In my last post, I mentioned that I had purposely recorded a video to help me get over this block I have about being filmed or photographed. I am by no means shy but I am cautious when I meet new people. But still, not shy. An introvert at times, but again, not shy.

As I was lying in bed this morning, I had a thought pop in my head. 

You know how your brain can do incredible things? I began to wonder why I didn’t remember things and events that happened in my life.  There are people in my family that I have no idea who they are and how they are related to me. It could be that we never met, or we only spent a few hours together and it left no impression on me. Terrible to say, I know, but could that be the case? 

If so, what about when I think about the shows I have done? Yes, I have a hard time recalling those. Part of me used to think it was because I had done so many. The thing that currently makes me doubt that idea is that I can remember a lot of the people in the casts, so why didn’t I forget them? 

Dear Reader, the thought that I had this morning was “what if I downplayed my life’s events so much that my brain filed them away in the toilet bowl of memories and flushed them away?”

You see, as odd as this is coming from me at this exact moment and off the page, I don’t like to talk about myself. It isn’t because I am shy. We’ve established that already. I just don’t think I am anything interesting or special. When I am talking to people and they ask “what I am working on?” or “what have I been up to?” I tend to offer a quick mumbled reply with not much emotion behind it.  By doing this, it alleviates their curiosity and I can quickly ask something about them to keep the “conversation” going. 

Consider this, what if this is/was a form of subconscious self talk? What if I had been telling myself, unintentionally, all those years that those shows weren’t important or significant or memorable to me?   

I can’t recall why this was something that popped in my head but now it is all that I can think about. While thinking about this, I recalled that I felt this way for a really long time, at least since elementary school. Is it a coincidence that this was when I had my first role? I began to think about school in general and up until high school, I was a really good student.  Honor roll and perfect attendance most of the time. I recall it being boring. I would finish the work quickly and talk a lot in class. This always got me in trouble.  Every day. Name on the board and at least 4 check marks after it, that was me. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I was always in trouble. It never seemed to matter that I had great grades and that my social marks were good, nothing ever seemed to matter to my parents. Finally, in high school I realized that there didn’t seem to be any reason to try so hard.  So I didn’t. 

I think maybe that’s why I feel like everything I do is not really interesting. 

We all know how powerful intention is and the power of thought.  Why couldn’t this be the reason I don’t recall as well as I would like? 


This now begs the question, Kind Reader, what will I do now? Ummm, obvious I need to come up with an experiment! But, I don’t know what it is yet. 😂😂😂

Do you have any suggestions, Gentle Reader? Any thoughts on whether you think you can accidentally force amnesia upon yourself without a traumatic experience? Let me know if you have any suggestions in the comments or if you think this isn’t even something that is possible. I’d love to know what you think. 

Until next time, Dear Reader, stay safe and alert.  See you next post and thanks for letting me bend your ear. 

P.S. Someone asked if the titles of the post are actual songs and the answer is no. They are lyrics in songs but not song titles themselves, usually.

🎼There’s Something Due Any Day…🎶

Hello Gentle Reader!!

Happy New Year! Well, close to it anyway. 😉

I recently came upon a meme or maybe it was just a few sentences in a colorful box… in any case, it inspired me to work on a project that is still causing me to quake.

I have this dislike, pretty much an irrational fear, of being on videos and pictures. If I don’t see the camera, or they are far away, then I am fine, but I freeze up with a camera all up in muh face, ya know?

This idea came to me about 2 weeks ago. It has me REALLY excited because I get to do things that I don’t think have been done yet. Here’s the thing, I always get what I think are really cool ideas, but then I freak out because they aren’t turning out as good as I would like so they get put in the “Finish Later” pile. Next thing I know, the idea is out in the world from the mind of someone else. And people like it. It’s great because it validates the idea, but I get bummed out because I didn’t finish hatching the idea into its fullest form.

I had listened to an audio book a million years ago, at least that’s what it feels like, about creativity and the life of it. It posits that an idea is a small “living” thing. It connects with someone that could bring it to life and you make an agreement to do it so it sticks with you. However, if you don’t complete your end of the agreement, it will go off and find another person that could bring it into fruition.

Well, Dear Reader, I am tired of breaking my “contracts.” The only way for me to get past that is to face my dislikes/fears and get my big ass in gear. I need to talk myself down when I start to freak out. This always seems to happen when I begin the actual “building” of the project. My process always has me write out what the whole project should be. It helps to create the game plan and I am always jazzed about this part. Next, I get the tools or equipment, and once those start to accumulate, I start the freaking out. I don’t know why… I am lying, I do know. What if people hate it? What if it doesn’t work? What if it just isn’t a good idea? Like drinking Clorox to kill the Covid-19 virus. (DON’T DO THAT BY THE WAY!!!)

So, I posted my first video on Instagram in an effort to take that first step. It was kind of rushed and I should have really warmed up my voice since I haven’t really sang like this all year. And my Covid hair is all wackadoo. Well, not too bad, it is just so unruly. I wake up in the mornings with Einstein’s crazy hair. 😂😂This was also a great way to figure out how I can set up for video auditions. It was satisfying to figure that out and to know that I have this information in my back pocket so if I need to do an audition with little prep time, I can pop this out quick and not have to think about it.

The passage that I had mentioned at the top of the post went something to the effect of: (I can’t recall the exact numbers, so that will probably be off). “In his life, Van Gogh painted thousands of works. From that, only about 100 are famous. From that, only half are masterpieces. The object should not be to create a masterpiece with every work but to create pieces that others may see regardless if they were brilliant.”

With that in mind, I will never complete anything if I try to make everything exactly like I see it in my head. (Even though that is way cooler than what the real thing becomes.) I will have to try frickin’ hard to let go of that mentality, but I am hoping that by writing about it and putting in the universe that it will be easier. 🤞for me.

To you, Kind Reader, I wish you the most amazing 2021. May you follow your passions, conquer your fears, and love with your whole heart. I thank you for allowing me to vent/rant/ramble and what not. I look forward to connecting with you all better in the coming months.

Happy New Year, you lovely people.

🎼I Wanna Be Where The People Are…🎶

Hello Gentle Reader!!

I hope you have been keeping safe and healthy. I have been hermitting (is that a verb?) {I guess since “friending” is a verb now, I don’t see how hermitting can’t be far behind thanks to quarantine.}

Turkey Day has come and gone and Christmas is right around the corner. Have any of you had a hard time finding footing this second round surge of COVID cases? I will be fine for two weeks, very nearly productive and everything, but then I hit this wall of “tireds” that seems to come from nowhere. I don’t know if it is just a shut down because I have TOO MANY choices of what I can do, or if it is another form of depression. I just lay on the couch and sleep. My head screams, get up and get going, but my body just wants to be still. The cold is not really an issue for me, so it isn’t because I am all warm and cuddly as I am vegging out. As I write this, I have all the windows wide open welcoming in the crisp cool breeze that is softly circulating through the apartment. There was even a handful of times that I had inspiration to write, but then I found myself on the couch surfing TV but not really watching anything.

I marvel at the battle that was within.

I am fascinated that my very nature of not wanting to waste time doing nothing gets defeated by this “something” that I don’t even comprehend. I am sure I have mentioned that I can’t binge stuff because I feel like I am wasting time. After two, MAYBE three episodes, I have to get up and do something, anything. Yet, I wasn’t “seeing” things on TV and I wasn’t feeling anything other than lack of feeling. The amount of apathy that I had while on my own was astounding.

Dear Reader, it makes me wonder what is going to happen when the world finally returns to something similar to what we used to know. Will I want to get back out and do the activities that I used to enjoy? Will I want to go out and have drinks? Will I want to spend any more time outside that I absolutely need to? All of these questions make me REALLY apprehensive of the big question that looms in my brain… Will I want to audition anymore?

Honestly, I don’t even know.

The future is full of unknowns. That is really scary.

It is also full of potential. That really gives me hope.

“I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, see them dancing.”

I wanna be dancing too! One thing I never give up on is love. I honestly believe that when there is nothing, we fight for love. Not just physical love, but any kind of love/passion, and as we head into a new year, with a NEW PRESIDENT!!!! YAY!!!!, and the potential for two vaccines, I have hope. My fingers are crossed, Kind Reader, that with hope comes that drive that I had before my world got lonely.

Until next time… Please stay safe, Sweet Reader. I am wishing all the best to you and your families along with the happiest of holiday wishes just in case I hit that wall again and don’t make it back on until 2021. I send love and positivity to you all.