Hellllllooo Gentle Reader!
Wow! It has been a while!
I almost forgot how to do this. And for a moment, I asked myself if I should.
I had wanted to take you with me on the journey that was The Crucible. I thought it would be very interesting as it was something new for me and I wanted to give you something new as well. That was fully my intention, but as the cast read through the show, I realized that this was going to be a different kind of beast. It had a fury in its build, a wildness in its audacity, and a dagger hidden in its truthfulness that I was unprepared for.
I had to unlearn stuff AND learn stuff. Like SOOOOO much stuff. It was a lot of work and I really needed to focus on the work being done well, not on documenting for the necessity of content. I love writing on my little crumb of the internet but first and foremost, I love doing my craft well. ❤️ That matters so much to me, and this was a complete departure from anything I have been offered in the past.
Dear Reader when I say that I felt like I had a lot riding on this, I cannot stress how true that is.
I have mentioned several times how badly I have wanted chances to play something other than the comedic song and dance fella. This was the chance that I needed to confirm within my own mind that my belief that “type” is just something invented to make casting easier. I think settling for types is something to keep audiences willing to spend their money. At least in movies, anyway. Theatre is a little more forgiving but it is still something that exists.
I have seen a casting director posting on instagram that one must know their type if they are going to be “bookable.” I have heard this over the last 25 years or so of my theatrical journey. Personally, I feel like this is an antiquated way of doing things.
Humans are complicated and feel all the emotions and live all of the experiences of being the clown, being the solemn understanding friend, being the raging patient that needs answers, or being the broken child that is still fighting through their traumas.
For me, I began to wonder if I could even tap into this old world masculinity that threatens women with violence and expects blind obedience with a life lived in service to religion. All things that are the complete opposite of my own personal beliefs. I was told almost every day “You’re still too nice. Your can’t be this nice.” The number of times that I was told of my “tells” was so often that I stopped counting. Yet, being told of them and being able to really process them and slough them off to create my version of John Proctor reawakened this deep multi-lifetime desire to solely focus on making characters. Because let’s face it, one doesn’t get these urges because of the money. 😂
I recognize that I have this NEED to be a storyteller. Whether it is bringing a play to life, writing these experiences down for you, Kind Reader, retelling a joke, trying to write a play of my own (that one is harder than expected. 😂), choreographing a dance or making a candle, everything I do is about creating stories.
The Crucible was a very well written story. As I read it before rehearsals began, my mood shifted from WTF to annoyance to anger then to sadness and the Santayana phrase popped in my head “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Boy, have we repeated time and again!
I can’t fathom how anyone can read this play and not be angered by it, which is why I say it has a fury in its build. The ease with which one can spark an inferno with merely a false word still happens and logic gets buried in the manure. On the flip side of the coin, how can you not be saddened by it, because we haven’t learned that lesson yet. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. What happens when it is the 10th or 20th time? Now we are just willfully ignorant, right?
But I have gotten off track, Dear Reader. This role has made me sit and stew on things way more than I used to. Don’t know if it is a good or bad thing, yet. I will keep you posted on that.
Thank you, Gentle Reader for your patience and for letting me depress you as I tell you pretty much nothing about my experience on The Crucible. I am having trouble processing it because it really made me feel everything. I was excited, proud, happy, sad, depressed but I think most importantly, now I feel anxious. What if that is that is the peak and so many what if’s that I have yet to think through.
Maybe my next role will drag me out of this gloom and doom mindset. Time will tell.
Until next time, please be safe and aware and take care of yourself and those you care about.
❤️
The Actorvist 